Are you caring about number one?

Do you ever feel like you’re just doing life to please others? Sometimes I do! If only I could make the decisions about how my day would run….. you might say maybe I can! Maybe I need to be a bit more assertive. I think since I got sick I’ve just tried to please everyone so they think I’m ok, but really I should be putting myself first more, in fact we all should be! It’s not about making sure we look after everyone else’s needs, although we all still care, but if your own tank is running on empty then you can’t do nothing for anyone else! So it’s important to remember to take care of number one no matter the situation. After all we cannot drink from an empty cup and I’m sure most of us have learnt this at some point in our lives.

For those of you who don’t know or are tuning in for the first time, my roller coaster ride continues. It’s like one of those coasters that one minute you’re laughing and enjoying every minute of everything you do and the next you’re upside down with your legs dangling above your head!!!! I mean I’m living the dream and doing almost everything in life the way I want to and then crash – It all comes tumbling down! A year of refocusing and changing my lifestyle, then back to doing what I love, until I crash and burn yet again. I let things get on top of me, I let people and situations stress me and push me to my limit! I take everything to heart and loose my focus, particularly between genuine and fake. I ride the wave of life, but then let things drag me under.

Why should the person making the silly remarks about me bother me? Do I care that I got deleted on social media? Why should others be able to dictate how I live my life? Do I really care what people say and think of me? One silly thing and I’m on the downward slope! Come on Melissa you know there’s light at the end of the tunnel, you’ve been there and know it’s possible!

A few weeks ago I decided it was time to change my thinking! The only way is up! Do me! Do what makes me happy! However life happens and you slip back down….. I wrote this blog a month ago but today it’s still as relevant as ever. Maybe this holiday is what I need! Hopefully it will help me to block out the negative and focus on the positive! There’s still lots of things that happen that I simply don’t get or understand, but I’m trying to be on top of life and find my people and my place to help me keep moving forward. So for now see ya later mate I’m off to enjoy the GC!

Goodbye 2019 – hello 2020

2019…..

Lots of highs and lots of lows! I proved to myself that I CAN DO IT and even though I’m currently resting and recovering I’m sure I now know my limits! My family and friends have yet again been beyond exceptional and encouraging every step of the way! There are certainly some parts of 2019 I couldn’t have done on my own and thankfully I’ve had the support.

I’ve worked as a reliever and loved every minute of it, I’ve met new people and rekindled some old friendships. I’ve been in the place at the time of our first terror attack and never thought in a million years I’d be in lockdown in New Zealand, but I know this has made me stronger and more appreciative of the life I have! I gained a new housemate – who I love to bits and wouldn’t cope without her sometimes. Even though we are still sorting things out – I love the fun we all have!

I went back into a full time role at work doing what I love, but things just got beyond me with so many changes happening. I know this has taught me heaps though and I’m excited for what 2020 holds for me on this front – lots of hopes and dreams that I can make reality with those I love the most.

On the marching front – well what can I say – our team is so cool to be involved with and we have so much fun! The girls improve every time we take them and it’s so exciting to see where their journey will head next! I’m also so appreciative of all the family I have with marching right across the country. You all support me so much more than you know. I live seeing you all and you know I’m passionate about the sport we all love and it always gives me a focus and a smile.

Netball saw me so much more involved this year – not only with our awesome and fun team, but doing the bench official role and being on the organising committee for events at the club, which gave me so much confidence and a variety of experiences. Thank you to all on the netball front for your constant laughs and encouragement. I love my involvement with the community in these things.

Finally you get nowhere in life without the love of family and friends. So I thank each and everyone of you for your constant support, messages and love. I have picked you to be my friends for a reason and that will never change. Dealing with anxiety and depression is not easy at all, but you guys allowing me to write my thoughts and feelings sure helps me and your comments give me so much hope and motivation.

I hope 2020 – the start of a new decade – can be the start of many new and exciting possibilities for us all! To all of you (my family and friends) – Happy New Year! Be safe and have lots of laughs! Much love  to you all and thank you xxx BRING ON 2020!

Christmas is coming…..

So tonight I thought was going to be an early night for me as I’m exhausted, but here I am wide awake yet again and I haven’t even been on my phone (it’s a god dam Christmas miracle)! Anyway I may as well put some of these things in my head on paper – so here goes!

Well it’s that time of year again. The time that I love the most, but also fear the most as I know it can be hard and I’m never too sure what I’m gonna be like! There is a lot of extra stress getting things organised, cleaning, shopping – all things I find hard some days, I mean hell some days I don’t even wanna get out of bed or have a shower (and those who know me well know I don’t function without one in the morning). There’s lots of sleepless nights with a million things going on in my brain! Yes I know I’ve eliminated some stresses from my life, but in my state of mind even doing washing can be a huge task/stress. Also Christmas Day can be overwhelming and over stimulating for my brain so I just have to try and relax a bit and take life one step, one minute, one day at a time. RELAX haha not a word I understand or grasp the concept of fully!

Anyway you all know I’m a bit of a people pleaser and will do anything to make others happy, so this past week I’ve been feeling like I need to help others but I have just not been too sure how?! I know there’s lots of things I do within the community that’s of a voluntary nature, but I just wanna do more. It’s kind of hard when I’m not particularly well off cause you can’t be like a Christmas fairy and give gifts/money to those less fortunate, even though I would love to do this….. So to help me feel good about myself I did one little thing the other day! It was windy on rubbish day and a whole lot of bins around town were blown over onto the road, so much to my sister and nieces embarrassment I had to stop and pick them up. They were like omg you’re crazy, but I said no I’m just a nice person that wants to do good. Honestly I know it’s a really small thing, but man I felt good afterwards. I also like to do little random acts of kindness when I can. So be aware cause you never know when something might pop up from me 😊. Anyway I’m not going to give away all my secrets in one hit! I have to keep a few of my trademarks to myself!!!

Finally since I have spare time on my hands and it’s the holiday season I look forward to some catch ups! If you’re in my neck of the woods, or have some spare time, remember I love to catch up! Dinner, drinks, chit chat and laughter – any or all of these things….. If you need someone to do the simple things for you – sober drive, collect mail, feed animals or look after children remember I’m very qualified to do all of these things 😃 and love doing it! So give me a sing out. Anyway I hope everyone has a fabulous Christmas with your loved ones and you all get very spoilt! Remember to take care of yourself and those around you and that you never know what is going on for someone on the inside, when they look perfectly happy on the outside! So be nice to one another, be patient, supportive and safe! Loads of Christmas wishes from me to all of you🎄🎅🎁❤️ MERRY CHRISTMAS xxx

It’s gotta be all about me…..

Well what a few weeks it’s been. You think things are sailing along quite nicely, then boom – that panic attack knocked me well and truly and more than I thought possible! I’ve had to make some decisions again about me and my life. This time it hasn’t been hard as I know if I am not ok within myself then life is going to spiral! So I have resigned from my job, this takes a lot of pressure out of my brain. I am trying to focus on me and what makes me happy. I’m trying to find my happy place and do things I can do and want to do. I’m so lucky I have the most understanding and supportive people in my life – this includes my family and friends, my doctor (who has been absolutely amazing) and my counsellor. Everyone has allowed me to be ME and supported me to make the decisions I need to make. Getting myself right means medications need adjusting and that mucked my head and body a bit, but just one day at a time!

People think I hide things well, but behind closed doors things are not so peachy. Even the basic things in life like cleaning the house (which I absolutely hate being messy and untidy) is such a huge task for me, one that I can’t motivate myself to do! Those who know me well know I love Christmas and what can I say – presents aren’t overly sorted and tree/decorations are happening really really slowly. This all makes me really sad as I love this time of year and being with my loved ones! I’m currently lying on my bed wishing I had the energy to do stuff, but 🤷🏼‍♀️. My brain isn’t even functioning properly so how can I do things!

Then it’s that time of year when I need lots of love and support, but also don’t want attention or people worrying about me! Every little thing I take to heart – sometimes I just need someone to sit with me and say nothing, but let me know that everything will be ok! The marching girls are a great distraction and certainly help me keep my life in perspective. Then again there were some neat kids I worked with that did the same, but unfortunately too many negatives outweighed the positives and stress sent me into this spiral!

When will the feeling inside me ever feel right? Has it ever felt right? My heart needs to feel full, but every time I try to fill it someone/something always has to trample on my party and send me back to the beginning….. I think I know what I want and need and people say just go for it, but fear kicks in and I can’t deal with the rejection I might get if I try! Being rejected by people is a huge fear of mine. Whether people are not returning phone calls, messages or a smile – I feel rejection probably more than anyone else I know!

Anyway for now I’m going to focus on me and make sure I’m looking after myself. I’m going to try to rest and relax for a few weeks and get back on track with life! Please don’t shut me out I need you all more than ever with the silly season upon us! Loads of love to you all and happy holidays🎄 🎅

A major setback….

Today marks day number 20 of simply being on edge. Yep 20 days ago I had a panic attack and I haven’t really found my way back since….. I am not sure what normal is at this point in time and I don’t know how many more days I can take. I’ve had every part/symptom of anxiety you can think of from an ongoing constant headache, fatigue, exhaustion, painful jaw and teeth, racing heart, tight chest, tense shoulders, upset tummy, nausea, sleepiness, sleeplessness, bad dreams, reliving moments, restless legs – you name it, I’ve felt it in these past 20 days. I’m just about at the bottom of the hole and I’m not sure I can dig my way back out of this one. Nothing excites me at the moment and I feel like I have nothing to look forward too! I lack motivation for the everyday tasks and I don’t seem to have a passion for much at all, which those who know me really well know I’m quite a passionate person. I even think my family has lost faith in me. Normally they want to talk to me but they’ve all been shying away the past couple of days and only say what needs to be said! The whole world is on top of me and I’m drowning in stuff I need to do but simply don’t know where to start with. People say they are here for me, but I’m not sure they know the extent to which I need them. It’s currently 2.30am, I can’t sleep, my head is constantly aching and I need to get up soon and do life like I’m 100% on top of my game, wearing a smile and happy as can be…… I don’t know how to do this? Why did things have to change and upset my rhythm. I was coasting along smoothly and then bang I’m back at the beginning…. when will I be ok again?

Anxiety poem

This is a poem of sorts that I’ve put together about how it feels when anxiety kicks in and a panic attack starts. This past week I have taken some time to myself to recover from an attack I had and really didn’t see coming. Just a lot of stress built up and hit the surface. Anyway I’m looking forward to normality again and hope this poem helps or resonates with some of you (I’m not even sure I know how to write a poem, but here goes)……

Anxiety…. 

I’m listening, but I can’t really hear you

I’m feeling, but everything is numb

I’m seeing, but the walls are closing in. 

My heart starts to race,

My head starts to spin,

My body is shaking and I loose all control.

I want it to stop, but the tears start to stream

I’m loosing myself with the fog in my brain,

I try hard to breathe, but my chest is all tight

How can I stop this? When will I be right?

I just need time, time just to breathe, time to regain focus and somebody to love.

I’m back on this earth and ready to go, I wonder how long until the next blow…..

Bullying…..

Today I want to talk to you all about bullying and the affect it has on people of the world. It is one of the leading causes of anxiety and depression and yes I can say it has affected me and sometimes still does. Most people when they think of bullying they just think saying nasty things to someone or doing nasty things to others, but I can tell you that’s not true. In fact bullying is defined as seeking to harm, intimidate, or coerce (someone perceived as vulnerable). Trust me this can be done in a million ways. Sometimes I feel very intimidated and feel like people are trying to harm me and it sux!

I really wish I hadn’t been sick recently and that there wasn’t stuff going on in my life, cause when I’m home I think way too much about stuff! Reflection makes me think – omg that person hates me or misunderstands me! I’m not liked at all, no one cares! When will I get a clean break? How can I ask the awkward questions? But then I realise I should use the time I’m at home to focus on helping others. Don’t let what’s happened to me or what I sometimes feel, happen to others I love and care for. So please if you feel like you’re being bullied, talk to someone and get the support! Do not try to handle the situation yourself, trust me it will cause you nothing but stress and unrest, leading to a lot bigger issues.

Also please remember bullying is if someone intentionally tries to hurt you in anyway. My mind has been intentionally bullied a few times and still to this day these situations come back to haunt me. A lot of the time people don’t see the invisible illnesses I suffer from, so say things that possibly wouldn’t normally hurt or upset me, but with a weak mind things can get blown out of proportion! Therefore my advice is don’t do something to someone else that you wouldn’t want done to yourself as you have no idea what’s going on in their head or body! Always try and be kind and if for whatever reason you come across wrong – admit it or apologise.

Anyway bullying is a thing I hugely hate in this world and in the words of most beauty queens, all I want in this lifetime is WORLD PEACE. So be nice, protect one another, ask for help and offer your support! Do not bully because tomorrow that person might not be here! You always know where I am if you need to talk!!!! Have a safe and happy long weekend everyone 😄

That lonely feeling…..

Today has just been one of those days…… I’ve managed to hold myself together well most of the day, but I did have a ‘waaa’ not long before I finished work, for whatever reason I don’t know as it wasn’t about anything specifically to do with work at all…. I’ve just been feeling LONELY and confused on and off for the whole week to be honest! I don’t know what it is, but I’ve tried hard to not feel out of the loop. I have had that feeling that people are talking about me and that there’s whispering and when I walk into a room it stops! It make me so anxious and paranoid. Maybe it is happening, but then I see no reason for it to be! I have done nothing wrong that I know of and am pretty on top of most things currently! (Well at least I thought I was). 

I guess feeling tired hasn’t helped matters and possibly the fact that I have had a couple of pretty full on weeks! I know in my heart of heart I’m doing the best I can and sometimes I guess my best will NEVER be good enough, but I also know that I try to do whatever I can for others, but sometimes I just can’t do some things! I try and want to but just can’t! These are the moments in life that leave me in a state and make my stomach knot up, my heart race and my mind go fussy!

I want my life to be normal again and I want all the negatives in my mind and with my body to STOP! Let me be the person I want to be and need to be! I just feel like the world has no compassion and everyone is in life for themselves and as I said the other day just ask from time to time are you ok? Do you need a hug? Remember who is there for you when you need them and return the favour! I hope these feelings pass soon – otherwise I’m gonna need a lot of hugs 🤗

Please note: this is not directed at anyone and is not about work for those that are wondering – it is about my life this week and my thoughts – it’s generalised! There’s just so many things I wish I could still do without my stupid head confusing things….. I also want to stop having that feeling of loneliness, especially since I know I shouldn’t have it!

Don’t become another statistic…..

So I thought since it is suicide prevention day, it’s great to reflect and reminisce about how far I have come in the past couple of years. I mean I personally have never tried to do anything to harm myself, but I cannot say that the thought never crossed my mind. Therefore I absolutely understand how your head can be so messed up that you don’t know what you’re doing and just think no one cares, wants to help or even know what is going on. Being in a bad place is not easy for anyone, but being in such a deep dark hole that you think you can’t EVER get out of is total torture.

I know that there is still such a huge stigma about mental health in our country, even though it’s starting to get a bit more understood, but statistics show that more people died from suicide in New Zealand this past year than on our roads (and look at the ad campaigns pushing us to wear seatbelts, drive slow and not drink and drive). Yes there are advertisements for mental health, but at the end of the day all you want is to be loved and cared for from all your support network.

If someone you love reaches out for love, show them how much you care! Don’t let them keep trucking on thinking they are a hindrance and not important to you. All I ever wanted was my family and friends to be with me and do the things I love! I needed time and space and sometimes I still do. Sometimes we just need somewhere quiet to sit and reflect, but it’s important to know that someone cares enough to know where you are and to let you know you’re there if needed.

I still get overwhelmed when there are lots of people around, particularly all talking at once and sometimes I can’t deal with too many things in one day. I still get VERY tired and my body gets stressed and hurts, but I am doing a lot better at handling myself. Trust me you know when I’m tired or have had enough by my little outbursts, which might I add I do not always have control over. Yes I’m back working full time, but I am also learning my limits and towards the end of the week I start getting pretty stuffed, but I try to listen to my body and think about what is right for me to do!

Anyway in short I ask you all this – PLEASE check in with each other and ask ‘are you ok’ if you think you need too. Be there for your friends, family and loved ones! Let them know you care and love them, don’t give them reason to believe you don’t want to be around, especially those that are struggling. Talk to them when they talk to you and offer an ear or shoulder when it’s needed. BE THERE AND SHOW YOU CARE! Let your loved ones know they’re worth it. Let’s kick suicide in the butt and prevent it as much as we can.

Loads of love to all of you who have helped me on this journey xxxx

On the rocky road to recovery….

So this week has been a ‘HELL’ of a week in Melissa’s world! For the past couple of weeks I’ve been battery operated with a pico dressing to try and heal my wound faster. It is working well, but man it can be a pain being connected to a device all day and night! If I have pockets in my clothes it helps but when I don’t – OMG 🤦🏼‍♀️. I mean I get up to walk and forget and next minute I’m dragging my device along behind me – oops 😬. Anyway for the most of this journey I’ve still had my sense of humour – which can be quite bad sometimes, but this week it’s disappeared!

I finally got clearance from my nurse on Monday afternoon to return back to work on Tuesday with the proviso I take it easy and look after myself…… the first couple of days weren’t too bad, but by Thursday I was not only failing to smile, but spending most of the day upset about everything and anything! What a dork!!!! My nurse reminded me again on Thursday to make sure I was looking after me! Me?! Aye?! I always put myself last and my well-being as I prioritise so many other things and people before me!!!!

Anyway I got up and dressed for work on Friday knowing for well that I shouldn’t be going the way I was feeling! BUT we were short staffed and I HATE letting people down! I went and don’t think I even managed to crack a smile – feeling so miserable and down! I ended up giving up at lunchtime and surrendered to home! I walked in snuggled on the chair in my lounge and woke up 3 hours later! I guess I needed to rest 🤷‍♀️. I’ve barely moved all night and just feel exhausted!

Besides the mental exhaustion, I have a sore leg and knee, a constant headache and still at times feel sick!!!! FFS is all I can say! When will this ever end? When will I be on top of this again?! Why did I try to go back to normality? Will I ever succeed again? A million questions circulating in my head!!!!!! Despite all of this I’ve pushed away people that try to help! I’ve been a horrible person to be around and I’ve let the mental stress take over my brain!

I know I need to regain my focus and get back on track! I’m sure I will once I feel better with my physical struggles. Then I want to work hard to build up my mental strength by being a lot more ME focused! Looking after myself and learning to love myself for who I am and what I can contribute to life! Any help, love and support welcomed 😊. I need to learn to love what I’ve got and turn my life into what I want! It’s going to take me time to achieve this but hopefully I’m strong enough to do this (with the help of all you closest to me). I need to find that something to make me smile and regain my sparkle ✨🌟   

Anyway thanks for letting me rant at this ungodly hour! Much love to you all 😘❤️