Moving on forward……

Who believes in premonitions? Well I never did and still am not sure I do but when you have some pretty vivid dreams and then things happen you begin to question yourself…… I’ve researched it but still don’t trust what has happened. So I guess I’ll just have to leave it and see if anything else happens, but several things I have dreamt about have happened not in exactly the same way, relatively soon afterwards – scary stuff! 

Anyway this is a super positive post – I’m doing great! Pretty much working as a full time reliever in an infants and toddler room, apart from a stupid tummy bug which has set me on my bottom at the moment! Absolutely loving what I’m doing as the people I’m working with. I’m fully involved in outside activities with netball managing, netball bench official, watching rugby, being on the social committee for rugby/netball club and coaching our under 12s at marching. Yea yea I know I’m spreading myself a bit thin at times, and I need to learn to say no, but I realise this and this wee bug has reminded me to slow down a little and make sure I’m looking after me first and foremost! Although I can’t help but caring for others and wanting to do as much as possible to support others – it’s just in my heart 💓…. 

I want to spend more time with my family too. Everyone knows how much love I have for them all and I wanna be able to go out for dinner with them (without having prior plans) and go to the movies (something I haven’t done for about 18 months). I loved the time I spent with everyone over Easter. Lots of fun, laughter and card games with the most amazing people in my life! It’s easier to enjoy getting out now I have some $ in the bank again! I’m still loving my scrapbooking and have several projects on the go 🙄…… I’ve also even had a few drinks! Pacing myself of course and remembering that I’m on medication and to not be silly about it all! It’s lovely to socialise though with my friends and have a drink when I feel the need/want too. 

Anyway I’m ready to continue conquering the world and still appreciate all the support you all give me! I’m always here if anyone wants to talk – even though I can sometimes be really boring! 🤣

Terror in the brain….

Lack of sleep, out of routine, lots of aches and pains, and then the impossible! This is pretty much how my mind was during the past week! I mean don’t get me wrong I loved being with my teamies and the laughs etc that we had, but I cannot cope anymore with the physical and mental challenge marching throws at me! My mind has spent most of the last week in fast forward. Racing way way too fast for me to keep up and then we get locked down with a gun man on the loose….. terror takes over my mind and I stress. No I didn’t have a panic attack, but it got the better of me and I just wanted to go home 😭. I needed everyone that I love and I felt so far from them (apart from Nonie). 24 hours earlier we were right by the first mosque….. what if it happened then? So then less sleep than before again! Back to the start….. 

I know I sound like a broken record or someone looking for a reaction, but trust me I’ve just wanted the earth to open up and swallow me (or maybe the Pac-Man lol). To top off everything and make me more emotional that time of the month came after not having it for I don’t know how long and that set me back 10,000 miles! Then my hat had to fall off in the most important march of the season – how embarrassing is all I could say! But hey – it’s over now and I’m home and I just hope that my head gets stronger to go back for more….. thank you to everyone who helped me through the past week and I know this doesn’t make a lot of sense but I needed to release 😊

Getting back on track ❤️

So dealing with anxiety and/or depression is bloody hard, but dealing with it and it’s affects while trying to get back into work and normal life is super challenging and at times crippling! I’ve just got a job relieving and mentally I’m on top of my game (well as the new me anyway), but physically I’m exhausted and in so much pain! After my second day (of just 6 hours) I couldn’t even walk and suffered for 3 days after with serious knee and back pain. I have also had issues with my sleeping again! I guess unwinding and relaxing the brain! Maybe I need access bar treatment! 

I’ve asked myself why am doing this? Is there anything else I’d be able to do or even be good at? Will I make it through the other side if I persevere enough? Unfortunately I don’t have the answers to these questions right now, but I know deep in my heart that the more I do this the easier it’ll become 😊. 

I went to the doctor and she told me to take it easy and do everything in my own time, which this relieving job is perfect for! If I can’t do it I don’t have to and I can monitor how many days and hours I can do! Because I’m also back marching I have to also monitor this! My doctor was quite concerned about doing too much at once and the fact that my bones are quite weak I have to be aware of fractures! However I know I’ve got this, I can do it and I already feel stronger! Since last Thursday I have worked 5 days and had 2 days off! I feel good at the moment (apart from my knee which has its moments) 🙄. 

So anyway I wanted to share this pretty positive news with you all and let you know that it feels good to be back doing what I love, even though I’m not functioning at my best quite yet 😊. I love the support I get from you all – my amazing family and friends and even though I sometimes get upset and have set backs, you all keep encouraging me and pick me up! So thank you 🙏🏼😍❤️

A dull day…..

Sometimes I just feel useless….. I get sad about the small stuff, even though I know I shouldn’t! My past does come back to haunt me a lot!!!! Today is one of those days! I hate everything that’s happened to me during this time in my life and I just don’t know where to go next! I lost some of my most favourite people and have felt so deep in the darkest hole that I’d never get back up! When life throws you curveballs, it certainly knows how to do it!!!!! What other shit is gonna come at me from around the corner? WHY WHY WHY can’t things just get back on track instead of continuing to derail? I don’t know what god still has in store for me and I hate that it’s out of my control and I can’t plan it!!!!! Some would say it’s karma, but I thought karma only happened to those who had done bad! I’ve never intentionally ever done anything bad! I have been pressured into making bad decisions (all of which I so wouldn’t do if I was in the right head space and felt supported at the time). I’ve felt so much hurt, but NEVER delivered it from me in my normal mindset…. All I feel in return is ‘discrimination’ – I’m the girl with a mental illness who made some mistakes, quit what I love to sort myself out and now a year later I’m ready to move forward but am unwanted in every possible way…… I can’t see or even feel the light at the end of it all!!!! I’m writing this to stop me from making poor decisions and to remind me I’m surrounded by loving people who support and care for me in so many ways! So where to next for Melissa/Mel Mel/Mel/Melisika? Can I come back from this? 

Surviving the first year…..

Today marks one year since I was ‘officially’ diagnosed with anxiety and depression (mental illness or an invisible illness to most). Even though I know I have been suffering for longer than a year, definitely 4-5 months prior to the diagnosis, I do feel kind of happy with where I’m currently at!! This time a year ago was just the beginning of me going on more of a downhill slope than I could have ever imagined possible. Yes I had a lot of moments prior to the diagnoses but nothing prepared me for what I was going to go through to get my medication just right for me! The extreme highs and then the absolute loss of control over nothing for sometimes no reason. My emotions were all over the place and anything at all negative just sent me spiralling. I only had a few people I could entirely depend on to help and support me and even sometimes they couldn’t help me. I just wanted to be alone a lot, which I think I’ve mentioned scared the hell out of mum! The embarrassment of facing those dearest to me when I was completely NOT in control of any part of me! I guess these are the signs that are visible, but still some people feel the urge to push you deeper into a darker hole and don’t care the pressure you feel or the humiliation. 

I’m forever grateful to my counsellor for helping me see the light and eliminate some of my absolute obvious stresses! She guided me to clarify things in my mind which were muddled! She helped me to understand my feelings and instincts are still most important and I should only be doing what I think is right not what others encourage me to do! She reminded me that I am a good person, with a big heart, that probably loves those closest to me too much sometimes, but to let them know that and spend time with people whose company I enjoy and that enjoy mine. You don’t want to push people away, but know you do to a certain degree throughout this journey and on the other hand you want some people around you, but know they don’t understand or are not sure where they should fit in your life! Others simply disappear and you wonder why 🤔. You didn’t choose for this to happen and some things that you did were not really you! Surely people understand that! 

I value diversity and uniqueness and I always have. That’s what makes me a great coach, teacher and friend to many! It makes me a fabulous daughter, sister, sister-in-law and Aunty. It helps me to understand people of all ages and abilities and I’m a great observer of body language. Sometimes through the fog my head got a bit muddled and still does, especially when I’m tired, but I’m learning to deal with this!!!! As I’m learning to deal with every new challenge this has thrown my way! I know I’m not the same me, but in some ways I know I’m a better me than I was before! I very seldom get stressed anymore about the small stuff, which means I’m a lot more mellow and chilled than I’ve ever been before. I now do what my heart tells me is right and not what others influence. This is why I love my involvement with marching. I can help others be better with my knowledge and support – which is what I enjoy most in life – helping others! This is why I miss teaching and know it’s time to get back to this 😊. Now I’m no religious person, but I know God put us on earth for a purpose and mine was to love, guide and support others in everything I do and that’s my plan for the rest of my life!!!! So here’s to a better next 12 months with all you wonderful people in my life and many new ones that I meet along the way. Much love xxx

Struggling on through….

Hey team – I hope everyone had a fabulous Christmas with your loved ones and that you celebrated the New Year in your own way. I found a way through these past couple of weeks, even though it has been hard at times and I have had a few little hiccups. 

Christmas day was lovely with my family and we enjoyed lots of love, laughter, food and games. Even Mum got involved with the old beer pong – it was great! I felt a sense of pride about the presents I had created (due to my limited budget) for my family, knowing they’d always hold a special memory for them. It was a little hard for everyone though hearing of the passing of my uncle and thinking of all those closest to him, but the family will forever treasure his memory at Christmas time. 

Christmas and New Year even though I love it so much, still seems to conger up all kinds of emotions for me. I guess the issues Danni had a couple of years ago sits with me at this time of year, along with a few other memories of those that have passed and some situations from the past! Due to these reasons and my emotions playing tricks on me, I have had a few ‘moments’! No panic attacks as such(it’s been a good few months now without any 🤞), but I’ve had to do my breathing, have had some tears and there has definitely been days when I haven’t wanted to or been able to do a lot!!!! Also money always sits at the back of my mind!!! 

I’m currently looking at getting back into work and honestly sooner rather than later would be great! Obviously it wasn’t me that won the $22 million or I’d be at one of my favourite places on earth (Disneyland) right about now 😜. For those that don’t know I made the hard decision to leave my job in February last year and no this wasn’t easy, but at the end of the day I wasn’t capable of completing my work in a satisfactory way and if I just took leave I would have still been 100% focused on work (as I always am) and not myself, which is what I needed to do! 

Due to this I of course had no money and didn’t really want to go on a benefit 🙄. However I had to succumb to this and sign up at WINZ, but this money is nothing compared to what I was earning! Pretty much a days pay 🙄. All these questions: how am I going to live? What am I going to do? Will I have to sell my house? I mean I had some savings but it’s not going to last forever!!!!! 

I had to go and try sort out something – this stress and pressure and worry did not help my situation one little bit! I’ve never relied on anyone else to support me ever and have always been able to live a pretty great life, adventuring and making last minute decisions to go and do things when I want, taking whoever I want, but then OMG 😲. Luckily I could put my mortgage temporarily on hold for a few months or that stress would have killed me! It breaks my heart to ask for help and to have to think twice before I do something! Honestly this is the one time that being single and not having the financial support of a partner at a time of need has bothered me. Seriously though I have learnt big time that money shouldn’t dictate your life or your state of mind, but the $22 million would have been nice 😜. 

I realise that not worrying about the negatives and focusing on the positives is when things head in the right direction for me. That is how I need to keep moving forward – be grateful everyday and know everything will find a way to work out right! I could never do this journey without my family/loved ones and they all know how grateful I am to them. Even though there are a few gaps in my life at the moment, I know everything will be a new normal for me again! In the meantime let’s keep believing in the good things and cross everything for me to be a working girl again soon! 

Enjoy 2019 everyone and make it your year – I know I’m going try 😊.  Please note I’ve been officially a whole year now alcohol free and don’t miss it one bit lol….. 

Dealing with the festive hype….

So I know it’s been a while since I posted a blog but that’s because everything has been going along so so and there hasn’t been anything much for me to talk about, but these past few days have seen my anxiety levels start to creep up a little bit! I mean they aren’t bad, but with the hustle and bustle of Christmas and doing lots of little extra bits and pieces I’ve begun to have some old anxious feelings again. 

I guess it’s the time of year when money is always stretched a bit more than normal (more so this year for me) and when you’re expected to participate in more social gatherings with not only the ones you love the most, but friends, family and sometimes even strangers….. Life can just feel full on and a wee bit overwhelming. You want to go and do the things you’ve always been able to do with ease, but now it’s a little harder than ever before. You know those special people have your back and will always make you comfortable and confident, but going into strange places or busy shops can be daunting. I’m just glad I mostly know my limitations and can easily say no when I need to, but some can’t and we need to remember that! 

I’m loving feeling chilled out and not getting into full on panic mode when situations arise. I can make decisions more clearly and I certainly know how to focus on the positives. The gratitude letters I wrote to those nearest and dearest to me helped me push through some hard times and just focusing on what I am grateful for each day helps me to relax! 

So I guess over the next week or so I will just try to chill and stay positive, always thinking about why I’m grateful. Please remember though to support your friends and family through this time of year as it can be tough for us all in some way or another, particularly us who suffer from a mental illness. Talk, hug and be there for each other. Be a listening ear to someone who may need you and know my door is always opened. 

Thank you all for your support through my challenging journey this year – have a very Merry Christmas 🎄 and Happy New Year and be safe and supportive of your loved ones xxxx Looking forward to catching up with everyone throughout the festive time in some way 😊

How to identify the downward slope……

So I absolutely hate my life when it’s that time of the month….. I mean it’s never been the best time for me anyway but now it’s like a hundred thousand times worse! Everything just falls apart for me. Every bad memory surfaces and haunts me for hours on end at night time especially (although this happens almost all the time – hence the late night blogs). Everything everyone does feels like it’s to get at me and hurt or upset me in some way. I get jealous of people for the strangest reasons and angry with myself. This either happens on the first couple of days or a couple of days after…. why oh why do I have to go through this shit I ask myself regularly. Anyway this last week has been bad and made me really sad and almost to the point where I didn’t want to be here anymore. 

I’ve been tired, had a lot going on and all my muscles have been sore. All these things bring me down and then throw in the fact that I’m hormonal – what a recipe for disaster! We had a family get together for Father’s Day and like I said I felt tired! I also had been feeling a bit off colour on and off for a few days with a sore throat. Anyway went and helped over the farm, but really felt lifeless! I had a sore ear and really didn’t feel like interacting much with anyone – even those I love the most and rely on to help me through! Long story short I lost the plot and had a panic attack! I guess this highlighted to my family and myself that a panic attack is not just about rocking back and forwards and hyperventilating but it can be random bursts of irritability, nit picking, obsessive behaviour, pacing, zoning out and silence (as per Facebook post I shared). 

When I think back I started off with silence and zoning out while watching the rugby…… I couldn’t tell you one conversation that was had while watching that game or what actually happened in that game, even though I sat watching it with others. I then started nit picking and being irritable with the kids before EVERYTHING just got too much and I run away! Now imagine this from the point of view of those I love the most – we were on the farm, it was dark, I wasn’t answering my texts or phone calls and I know everyone was worried, but my head didn’t want a bar of it! Finally I gave up my location and was rescued from another embarrassing situation. 

This isn’t the first time I’ve ‘freaked out’ when in the company of my nearest and dearest…. Easter brunch I spent just about the whole day crying and wanting to be alone, instead of enjoying the very few times my family are altogether nowadays! I know it should be a celebration of us being together, but my head controls me unfortunately and I cannot say hang on – hold fire I think I’m going to loose my shit today let’s postpone until I feel better! I don’t like what it does to them either, I know it upsets them and at the end of the day yes the kids are all teenagers, but that does not mean they entirely understand what’s going on with me or even know how to talk to me sometimes! I try to be normal (well as normal as I can be), but the truth is I’m not normal anymore and sometimes I just need that simple hi how are you or a hug, a text, a can you pick me up or do you wanna go to the movies or out for lunch to know all is not lost! 

Anyway I still have not seen everyone since this happened and I’m not sure at all if they want to talk to me ever again! It makes me nervous and scared and ready to just lock myself away from everyone and everything! Everyone who knows me knows how much I love my family and depend on them and their love – I just wish I didn’t keep letting them down and could move in the right direction instead of 2 steps forward and 4 back! When will I ever get a clean break and a fresh start? When will people look at me as Melissa again? Mum said a lot of the stuff I think people are saying and thinking is in my head and yes she’s probably right after all I am suffering with a mental illness! She is my strength and the one person I can cry to or with, without feeling ashamed (apart from my counsellor who knows a lot and has seen me very vulnerable). 

I just want to say please get to know the new me and help me if you think I need it because I don’t always know when I’m on a downward slope where as you might see the signs. I ask that you don’t be afraid of me and you do what is best for me – get me a water, give me a hug, remove me from a situation that I might feel embarrassed about if something happens and just think about everyone’s well-being….. I want to be here and continue to love all my friends and family, but I can’t do it alone – I need you all 😊. 

Sorry if this is full on or scary to anyone, but I want everyone to know we aren’t alone and can support each other through this journey called life – thanks for reading – my love to you all 😘. 

Realisations…..

Writing these over the past few months has helped me to a few huge realisations…. one in a way I did this to myself, two I need to move forward and stop looking backwards, three only those I truly care about are still with me as I’ve pushed some away and just seen the true colours of others and four most of the time I truly hate who I am and have become. So I’ve been trying to make a lot of changes!!!! Changing my mindset, thinking more about when and where I say things, changing my diet and getting back on the exercising bandwagon to feel better and hopefully 🤞 look better….. 

I know to the person next door I probably still look the same on the outside and more normal than some, but on the inside most days it’s still just a total disaster! My memory is still shocking at times and anyone that knows me well, understands I’ve always had a sharp memory – so this is hard and frustrating! The things that happen inside my head are not cool!!! But then again sometimes I say these things out loud and totally regret them 😩. Some can’t even look at me because of this reason 😭. Why oh why am I so stupid and dumb???? Why do I have to say things that half the time I don’t even mean? In order to move forward I wonder if I need a total change! 

I just want to be normal again, but I am thankful that I can get out of bed pretty much everyday now and do things. It’s doesn’t matter how big or small, just getting up, showering and dressing always makes me feel like I’ve achieved something! Some days are still hard to show my face to the real world or even those I love the most but I try harder and harder everyday and because of this I know I have more good days than bad! Although in saying that a bad day can turn good if I’m in the right company! Please know though that most days are a struggle even if I seem on top of my game – I understand how mentally and physically challenging everyday can be, regardless of whether you think I look good or seem good! Trust me most days I’m not on top of it! 

I’ve been thinking a lot about my grandparents this week…. Sometimes I wish I could talk to my Nan again! She always had great advice and always listened. She lived with Mum, Dad and I for about 10 years so we certainly had a special relationship. Sometimes when I think of her passing I regret the fact I never got to see her that one last time to say a proper goodbye and still to this day I don’t think I did enough grieving at the time. It truly breaks my heart still 💔. You see I’ve always tried to be the strong one and trust me it’s not good! Keeping all the emotions bottled up inside has wreaked me! I’m the one that wants to be there for everyone else. Even when Dannielle had her brain injury I tried to be the strong one, but look what it’s done to me! I hated seeing her the way she was, it was a nightmare for us all and a time I’ll never forget, but so grateful she is still with us and we got to go travelling to some amazing places together. From all this though I know I need to learn to open up at the time and I strongly advise this to everyone out there! Don’t keep those feeling bottled up inside – it’s ok to cry! (I guess it’s ok that I just cried the whole time while writing this too😭). 

When I think back to some of the grieving I haven’t done it’s possibly a huge contributor to why I’ve got sick. My Uncle that I had a lot to do with he passed away when I was like 8 and my grandad (who taught me a lot about life and cards lol) passed away when I was 11! Didn’t cry much but remember going through rough times after these events. However I know they are all looking down on me and are with me every step of the way. It was funny cause I had just written this and then had my access bars run the next day. Susan told me sometimes we hang on to things and certain things trigger these memories again. It’s so true, but I know I just need to pin point who it belongs too…. If it’s a young me I can let it go! I guess I’ve got a lot of learning to do and a lot of re-training of my brain to do! It’s also ok to talk to those no longer with us and we shouldn’t feel silly doing this….. I often talk to my grandad through his special ring I wear everyday. I’m sure he’s with me when this is on my finger and helps me at times. 

Please don’t be freaked out by what I’ve written, I’m not going completely insane, just learning to cleanse my mind, body and soul and release the demons my head have been struggling with! I guess one day soon I’ll get my break and happiness will fill me again, but until then tell your loved ones you love them, cuddle them, be there for them in times of need and don’t leave those in need feeling insecure or alone. I’m very saddened by journalist Greg Boyed’s death and just want everyone to be there for each other! Don’t hold grudges, smile and have fun when you can – much love to you all xxx😘

The struggle is real and this is raw…..

Special note: Please know before reading this that I cried writing it and just want you know how my life has felt and been for possibly the past year or more, but I’m going to beat this with all of your help, love and support! 

Tick, tock, tick, tock – the sound of my brain at all hours of the night/morning wondering, thinking, wishing, dreaming, believing and understanding what has happened, where I have been and what’s still to come for me? The who cares and who doesn’t! Who has made contact in some way or another or bothered to pop in and see me and actually support me through this – the toughest and darkest journey of my life! It’s interesting to think how unimportant you become to some when you are no longer of convenience to them. Those I no longer serve a purpose too – do they not care about me anymore??? You certainly reflect thoroughly on your life when in this state and realise/understand how you weren’t maybe really a part of someone’s life but more just there for them and when you need/ed them the most – see you later! Why? I’ve always been there for others during some of the toughest and darkest times….. I’ve listened, talked and kept a lot of secrets but when I’ve needed this in return some of those that I wanted by me the most have disappeared! Thank you to those of you who are actually here – I need real not fake! 

The old saying goes kick someone while they’re down – yep thanks for that – no wonder I can’t get back up! The first time I actually felt like I couldn’t do it anymore – well let’s just say I regret that I didn’t get the right help I needed from the right people at this time! You see I’ve come to the realisation that I was driven to this point in my life where I wish I had only continued on the good life path and not headed in the different direction that I went on! It’s so hard when your brain is torn between whether someone is being genuine to you or not, but I am pretty good at reading body language and I have (well at least used to have) fantastic intuition and I know that what my head tells me is generally right – although I don’t think that in my current state! I’ve made some pretty (excuse my language) fucked up decisions! However I know now that all these things my head was telling me initially was true! It’s just a shame I had to end up how I have because of it! 

It’s hard to believe how low others can stoop when you are at your lowest point! Why would you question my illness or why would you have a conversation full of negatives with a person that is very depressed and full of anxiety? Some of these things still often play on my mind (obviously)…. I still feel sick and get severe anxiety when I think of some of the things that have happened! There are also places that trigger my anxiety – places that bring back bad memories and people do too! It’s sometimes the look on someone’s face that makes me anxious and reminds me of the situation I did not like and felt weak and not in control of who I was or what I was doing! Do you know how hard it is when you’re not in control of your own life and brain? 

Why does life have to be so cruel? Why can’t things be simple? Yes I know it would be boring if there was no drama, but why do some get a worse deal than others? No one deserves to have it rough, I’m all for everyone being the best they can be and succeeding in life! Where is the love people and where are you when I need the most love and support? It’s sad how people can critique you for one mistake, but then they make several and you’re meant to turn a blind eye and a deaf ear! Life is about making mistakes and then being able to accept it and offer your forgiveness! People are too caught up in the political stuff instead of thinking ok she made a mistake and was genuinely sorry for it, yes sure she was not 100% about how she should deal with it at the time, but really sorry! If I make a mistake I punish myself so hard (as most of you will know) and more so since in this state! Holding a grudge does no one anyone good – trust me on that one!!! Also understand that if people uncharacteristically make mistakes then maybe there is more going on than you’re seeing or thinking!! Be there for each other and don’t back away or make them feel worse and unwanted! I mean for gods sake there are only so many ways you can say sorry and what else can you do to prove you are genuine? 

My life has been and some days still is a living hell! A nightmare even! I still make a lot of mistakes and believe me I regret everything I do that is a mistake, but life is for living and learning from the mistakes we make! Nobody should ever intentionally make you feel so bad that you don’t want to be here any longer because of a mistake you’ve made when you’re mentally sick – sad, but true! So look after those you care for and be there as a genuine ear, not a running mouth! Hug friends you care for and show people how much you are there for them in their darkest hours! There is a reason I want you in my life and always know that, but please forgive anything I’ve ever done and know I’m sorry and need you all more than ever to help me find my new direction – much love x 

Just to end – know I am fine…. just need to get on paper some of my thoughts and feelings – sorry some of it is a bit of a dribble at times.