Month: December 2019

2019…..

Lots of highs and lots of lows! I proved to myself that I CAN DO IT and even though I’m currently resting and recovering I’m sure I now know my limits! My family and friends have yet again been beyond exceptional and encouraging every step of the way! There are certainly some parts of 2019 I couldn’t have done on my own and thankfully I’ve had the support.

I’ve worked as a reliever and loved every minute of it, I’ve met new people and rekindled some old friendships. I’ve been in the place at the time of our first terror attack and never thought in a million years I’d be in lockdown in New Zealand, but I know this has made me stronger and more appreciative of the life I have! I gained a new housemate – who I love to bits and wouldn’t cope without her sometimes. Even though we are still sorting things out – I love the fun we all have!

I went back into a full time role at work doing what I love, but things just got beyond me with so many changes happening. I know this has taught me heaps though and I’m excited for what 2020 holds for me on this front – lots of hopes and dreams that I can make reality with those I love the most.

On the marching front – well what can I say – our team is so cool to be involved with and we have so much fun! The girls improve every time we take them and it’s so exciting to see where their journey will head next! I’m also so appreciative of all the family I have with marching right across the country. You all support me so much more than you know. I live seeing you all and you know I’m passionate about the sport we all love and it always gives me a focus and a smile.

Netball saw me so much more involved this year – not only with our awesome and fun team, but doing the bench official role and being on the organising committee for events at the club, which gave me so much confidence and a variety of experiences. Thank you to all on the netball front for your constant laughs and encouragement. I love my involvement with the community in these things.

Finally you get nowhere in life without the love of family and friends. So I thank each and everyone of you for your constant support, messages and love. I have picked you to be my friends for a reason and that will never change. Dealing with anxiety and depression is not easy at all, but you guys allowing me to write my thoughts and feelings sure helps me and your comments give me so much hope and motivation.

I hope 2020 – the start of a new decade – can be the start of many new and exciting possibilities for us all! To all of you (my family and friends) – Happy New Year! Be safe and have lots of laughs! Much love  to you all and thank you xxx BRING ON 2020!

So tonight I thought was going to be an early night for me as I’m exhausted, but here I am wide awake yet again and I haven’t even been on my phone (it’s a god dam Christmas miracle)! Anyway I may as well put some of these things in my head on paper – so here goes!

Well it’s that time of year again. The time that I love the most, but also fear the most as I know it can be hard and I’m never too sure what I’m gonna be like! There is a lot of extra stress getting things organised, cleaning, shopping – all things I find hard some days, I mean hell some days I don’t even wanna get out of bed or have a shower (and those who know me well know I don’t function without one in the morning). There’s lots of sleepless nights with a million things going on in my brain! Yes I know I’ve eliminated some stresses from my life, but in my state of mind even doing washing can be a huge task/stress. Also Christmas Day can be overwhelming and over stimulating for my brain so I just have to try and relax a bit and take life one step, one minute, one day at a time. RELAX haha not a word I understand or grasp the concept of fully!

Anyway you all know I’m a bit of a people pleaser and will do anything to make others happy, so this past week I’ve been feeling like I need to help others but I have just not been too sure how?! I know there’s lots of things I do within the community that’s of a voluntary nature, but I just wanna do more. It’s kind of hard when I’m not particularly well off cause you can’t be like a Christmas fairy and give gifts/money to those less fortunate, even though I would love to do this….. So to help me feel good about myself I did one little thing the other day! It was windy on rubbish day and a whole lot of bins around town were blown over onto the road, so much to my sister and nieces embarrassment I had to stop and pick them up. They were like omg you’re crazy, but I said no I’m just a nice person that wants to do good. Honestly I know it’s a really small thing, but man I felt good afterwards. I also like to do little random acts of kindness when I can. So be aware cause you never know when something might pop up from me 😊. Anyway I’m not going to give away all my secrets in one hit! I have to keep a few of my trademarks to myself!!!

Finally since I have spare time on my hands and it’s the holiday season I look forward to some catch ups! If you’re in my neck of the woods, or have some spare time, remember I love to catch up! Dinner, drinks, chit chat and laughter – any or all of these things….. If you need someone to do the simple things for you – sober drive, collect mail, feed animals or look after children remember I’m very qualified to do all of these things 😃 and love doing it! So give me a sing out. Anyway I hope everyone has a fabulous Christmas with your loved ones and you all get very spoilt! Remember to take care of yourself and those around you and that you never know what is going on for someone on the inside, when they look perfectly happy on the outside! So be nice to one another, be patient, supportive and safe! Loads of Christmas wishes from me to all of you🎄🎅🎁❤️ MERRY CHRISTMAS xxx

Well what a few weeks it’s been. You think things are sailing along quite nicely, then boom – that panic attack knocked me well and truly and more than I thought possible! I’ve had to make some decisions again about me and my life. This time it hasn’t been hard as I know if I am not ok within myself then life is going to spiral! So I have resigned from my job, this takes a lot of pressure out of my brain. I am trying to focus on me and what makes me happy. I’m trying to find my happy place and do things I can do and want to do. I’m so lucky I have the most understanding and supportive people in my life – this includes my family and friends, my doctor (who has been absolutely amazing) and my counsellor. Everyone has allowed me to be ME and supported me to make the decisions I need to make. Getting myself right means medications need adjusting and that mucked my head and body a bit, but just one day at a time!

People think I hide things well, but behind closed doors things are not so peachy. Even the basic things in life like cleaning the house (which I absolutely hate being messy and untidy) is such a huge task for me, one that I can’t motivate myself to do! Those who know me well know I love Christmas and what can I say – presents aren’t overly sorted and tree/decorations are happening really really slowly. This all makes me really sad as I love this time of year and being with my loved ones! I’m currently lying on my bed wishing I had the energy to do stuff, but 🤷🏼‍♀️. My brain isn’t even functioning properly so how can I do things!

Then it’s that time of year when I need lots of love and support, but also don’t want attention or people worrying about me! Every little thing I take to heart – sometimes I just need someone to sit with me and say nothing, but let me know that everything will be ok! The marching girls are a great distraction and certainly help me keep my life in perspective. Then again there were some neat kids I worked with that did the same, but unfortunately too many negatives outweighed the positives and stress sent me into this spiral!

When will the feeling inside me ever feel right? Has it ever felt right? My heart needs to feel full, but every time I try to fill it someone/something always has to trample on my party and send me back to the beginning….. I think I know what I want and need and people say just go for it, but fear kicks in and I can’t deal with the rejection I might get if I try! Being rejected by people is a huge fear of mine. Whether people are not returning phone calls, messages or a smile – I feel rejection probably more than anyone else I know!

Anyway for now I’m going to focus on me and make sure I’m looking after myself. I’m going to try to rest and relax for a few weeks and get back on track with life! Please don’t shut me out I need you all more than ever with the silly season upon us! Loads of love to you all and happy holidays🎄 🎅