Well what a few weeks it’s been. You think things are sailing along quite nicely, then boom – that panic attack knocked me well and truly and more than I thought possible! I’ve had to make some decisions again about me and my life. This time it hasn’t been hard as I know if I am not ok within myself then life is going to spiral! So I have resigned from my job, this takes a lot of pressure out of my brain. I am trying to focus on me and what makes me happy. I’m trying to find my happy place and do things I can do and want to do. I’m so lucky I have the most understanding and supportive people in my life – this includes my family and friends, my doctor (who has been absolutely amazing) and my counsellor. Everyone has allowed me to be ME and supported me to make the decisions I need to make. Getting myself right means medications need adjusting and that mucked my head and body a bit, but just one day at a time!
People think I hide things well, but behind closed doors things are not so peachy. Even the basic things in life like cleaning the house (which I absolutely hate being messy and untidy) is such a huge task for me, one that I can’t motivate myself to do! Those who know me well know I love Christmas and what can I say – presents aren’t overly sorted and tree/decorations are happening really really slowly. This all makes me really sad as I love this time of year and being with my loved ones! I’m currently lying on my bed wishing I had the energy to do stuff, but 🤷🏼♀️. My brain isn’t even functioning properly so how can I do things!
Then it’s that time of year when I need lots of love and support, but also don’t want attention or people worrying about me! Every little thing I take to heart – sometimes I just need someone to sit with me and say nothing, but let me know that everything will be ok! The marching girls are a great distraction and certainly help me keep my life in perspective. Then again there were some neat kids I worked with that did the same, but unfortunately too many negatives outweighed the positives and stress sent me into this spiral!
When will the feeling inside me ever feel right? Has it ever felt right? My heart needs to feel full, but every time I try to fill it someone/something always has to trample on my party and send me back to the beginning….. I think I know what I want and need and people say just go for it, but fear kicks in and I can’t deal with the rejection I might get if I try! Being rejected by people is a huge fear of mine. Whether people are not returning phone calls, messages or a smile – I feel rejection probably more than anyone else I know!
Anyway for now I’m going to focus on me and make sure I’m looking after myself. I’m going to try to rest and relax for a few weeks and get back on track with life! Please don’t shut me out I need you all more than ever with the silly season upon us! Loads of love to you all and happy holidays🎄 🎅