Month: June 2018

So this week I finally got some answers re my current health situation….. Last week I asked was my holiday my undoing? Why I asked this is because when I got home from my holiday most of you will know I ended up very sick in bed for three weeks. It was said I had bronchitis/laryngitis/flu. However this week I discovered that a couple of months ago or maybe even longer (who knows, maybe way back then) I become MRSA positive or contracted the super bug! This means my body is resistant to a lot of the normal medications used to treat infections. Hence why maybe three rounds of antibiotics later from this above illness I still felt pretty crappy and really started going downhill from there! It also turns out to be the cause of the endless amount of boils/abscesses I’ve had and needed to go to ED and my Dr and nurse to be healed. My whole immunity is just run down, but now my doctor is pretty sure she is going to get it under control! Hallelujah with a lot of luck I might get right yet and it won’t come soon enough for me 🙄.

How I contracted this is uncertain, but it’s good to finally know and understand why things have been happening to my body and why my emotions have been so all over the place! Before you ask – no you won’t catch it from me – I know all the correct procedures to keep it away, but it’s still important for you to know and stay clean around me 😊. I carry sanistiser with me all the time now.  So it’s fair to say that with two massive boils under my arm (one severely infected/ulcerated and the other being cut, drained and packed) I’ve had a relatively quiet week. It hurts to drive (although I still do drive so I don’t go completely nuts) and do a lot of other chores, but I’m meant to be minimising the use of my arm for a few days for it to heal quicker…. As I always 🙄 do as I’m told (NOT) the tv has been a good friend – loving watching some very old and new series 😂. Totally recommend ‘The Waltons’ (a real oldie, but a great story – by the way the real Jimbob is an angel compared to the ones I know), love ‘The Resident’ and this week ‘Army Wives’ has been a popular choice from me! I’m open to suggestions however, as it doesn’t take me long to get hooked lol 😂. Anyone have any favourites/recommendations on Netflix or just boxed sets? It’s a great time to have the odd tv day/early night with the weather so cold too ❄️☃️

Thursday and Friday I’ve spent time with those I love the most and chilling on the farm sucking in the air – there’s nothing better in this world! My usual routine has still been the same and this weekend has a lot going on with netball, rugby and a family dinner to belatedly celebrate our beautiful and loving mother’s birthday. Also great to have our big girl home for a few days to catch up with. Even though I’ve had a lot of ups and downs this week, I feel as though I’ve learnt a lot about myself. A lot of things have upset me, but I’m learning to cope – I just wish everyone understood 😊. Anyway I hope you’ve all had a good week and I’m feeling positive for the coming weeks now I have a bit of an understanding and handle on myself…..

Au revoir

 

Sometimes the simple things in life are what is needed…… all last week I really wanted to have a swing and yes I finally did it! The fresh air, the sense of freedom and the pure joy it brought me – it just felt amazing, almost like I was 5 again! The only thing was the whole time I was thinking omg who is watching and what are they thinking – a grown woman at a children’s playground alone having a swing – in the words of my niece “what a creep.” Honestly though I don’t care – I know I’m not a creep and it’s what I needed to do for me and I’m sure I’ll be doing it again soon!!!!

Speaking of feeling 5 again – this week is one year since we jetted off across the world to LA, London, Paris, Edinburgh and San Francisco – all places I’ve dreamed of going, but never thought I would. Wow how I wish I was embarking on this journey again as greedy as that sounds! Some of the best and happiest days/memories of my life that I’ll always cherish and giggle about.

This holiday truly was a dream for me and there was not one part of it that I regretted! However I do sometimes wonder was this my undoing? Did I have too good a time and going back to reality was just too hard? I guess I’ll never know the answer to this, but I know for sure the experiences I had in these countries I will never ever forget! Travelling is definitely something I want to continue doing as there are still a lot of places in the world I want to explore, including going back to some of these places 😍. I’ve already had the offer of Melbourne and I’d love to holiday on the GC again as we were planning with the boys just last week! Oh man what a lot of fun we would have 😉.

Anyway this week has all been about reliving my holiday and dreaming of more. I’ve had a pretty quiet, at times lonely and low key week so it’s been nice to just reminisce. Sometimes this week have still been a little low and confusing for me, but I guess (well hope and pray) things will get back to what it was as I miss some of the antics I’ve had lately. I’ve also decided this week to share my journey with more of you, which is quite hard for me, but I truly trust those I invite to be on my journey. Also I’ve obviously added pics to this blog and most of my previous ones if you want to check them out. Again thank you for your feedback and reading and being a part of my journey! Here’s to a positive weekend and week ahead 😊. Love you all 😘

 

You ever had one of those uh oh moments when you allow something to happen and then realise crap I didn’t want that to be seen or noticed. A million different scenarios running through my over stimulated brain. I’ve had that this week and the realisation sent my mind into turmoil…. I haven’t had a panic attack in a long time, but this one was very severe. Every part of my body was violently shaking – probably didn’t help that I had hardly eaten or drunk all day too! I used my calming techniques and had some water and that somewhat helped me out of the worst of it and allowed me to get up and move on, but I know I upset a lot of people in the process 🙄. Getting others to understand how it can affect you so quickly I find hard to deal with! 

This whole week in fact has been an interesting one for me….. I have gone from being on the highest of highs last weekend, to the lowest of lows at times throughout the week! In my head everyone that I’ve wanted to talk too has been too busy to talk! Trust me I don’t reach out for help very often as I hate sounding needy or desperate (all of which I feel at the moment), but geez driving off a cliff or into a pole seemed like an option this week! Not reaching out is how I got here in the first place🙄, so you’d think I would have learnt but no!  However I realise I have so much more to live for and so many more adventures to be a part of and the good outweighs the bad mostly. 

“Sometimes people with depression can be clingy. Usually it’s because you make them feel after feeling numb for a long time” – author unknown. I found this quote and it kind of sums me up at the moment and how I’m feeling. Please know I’m not being clingy if I want to talk, my brain just knows the conversations I want and need to have! My brain wants/craves laughter for some reason – I guess it’s because I found it hard to laugh for a while! My brain also has to find out stuff to be quiet otherwise it doesn’t stop ticking, which in turns mean no sleeping! I’ve also had that numb feeling a few times this week after finally feeling again! It’s so weird to describe and makes me feel so lonely and out of control. 

This week I did some things I would never have done ever in my life and had the most fun I’ve had in ages….. I’m sure you would have all heard my laughter from the top of the hills on Sunday as I squealed in delight at the things that I was not in control of, but thoroughly enjoying….. it was so awesome to be relaxed and enjoying myself while being (as some would say) quite adventurous for me 😊. Who knows I could still become more adventurous yet too! It’s definitely the country air that helps to get everything clear and functioning again and puts your life into perspective! 

However after two fantastic days and getting back into normal routine I’ve felt lonely for contact with others since. Maybe I just overstimulated myself and it sent my brain off the rails! Too much communication with too many people? I don’t know 🤷‍♀️. I enjoyed myself that’s for sure but why am I now feeling so deflated, rejected and sad? These are the things that confuse me and I know I hide all this pretty well as not many even know if I’ve been upset, not even those closest to me, although I think a few do this week! Hopefully I get through this little hiccup and am out the other side soon – I probably will lay low for a bit though cause I know I’ve upset a lot of people and I hate doing that – so if you’re one I’m so sorry 😐. 

I start this week off by introducing my new baby Archie the kitten….. So yes he is the SPCA kitten I wanted and I think most of you have seen the pics. I got him last Friday and I honestly feel like a new mother. I mean I love him to bits, but he certainly keeps me on my toes lol. I’m a bit sleep deprived at times from him climbing on my face and head after not a lot of sleep and I now understand the feeling of not going to the bathroom in peace. A crying baby at the door is no fun 🙄. He also follows me everywhere, which is kind of cool 😊. Poor Archie has got better as the week has gone on though and he is pretty cute, so it makes you forget all the bad stuff! He is very loving and slowly getting to know his big sister Peaches. I’m glad I got him 😍. 

However these past couple of weeks I’ve really noticed how much my brain has slowed down. I don’t know if it’s from not working, the meds slowing me down or completely unrelated but it’s certainly a strange feeling. I’ve always had the best memory so to not remember what I was going to do or to not react quickly when things go wrong just doesn’t feel right to me! It makes me a bit upset at times and worries me. An example of this was at netball when one of the girls got badly injured. Normally I would help her and get an ice pack straight away but it took me a couple of minutes and a voice prompt from someone else to realise I should do this 😩. I felt so bad afterwards for not doing my job properly and I hope people understand. 

Another thing is I get tired or feel tired really quickly. This does not mean I sleep better though lol! It just means sometimes I find it hard to motivate myself to do things. This happens if I’ve had a big day or sometimes if I do a lot one day I can’t do much the next day. The other weekend I went to watch the girl play her netball, then the A team and then our team and I was so exhausted when I got home I couldn’t move out of the chair. It was also the day we had the few injuries in our game and I was kept quite busy. This night I had something else on and just couldn’t make it, even though I tried a few times to make the effort. This is such a struggle for me as I hate letting people down, especially those that have really checked in with me and talked sometimes when I’ve needed it the most. 

On Monday I spent time with family! Well some of them at different times of the day anyway. It was nice to just be in their company in a different environment. I also went for a ride over the back of the farm and breathed in the country air and that was good after being a bit down earlier in the day. When I was feeling sad Miss Poppy (Michelle’s dog) looked after me which was so cute and made me smile. It’s amazing how much animals know and understand – I certainly have a greater appreciation for them than ever before. Anyway I went for a ride into town with the boys – always entertaining, enjoyed playing cards (even if I wasn’t the winner which I hate – next time I’ll get you all!) and ended the day by being car pranked by the boys – a long standing tradition! I was  ‘bubble and squeaked’ as they put it (a dead mouse on my windscreen and probably another one somewhere else that I haven’t found yet) 🙄. I’m so glad we never had brothers but at least I always get a laugh – so thanks guys! 

My Saturday ended with a night out with my netball girls! We did a bit of a dance for the footy show and had our initiations/court session! Although there were times I really wanted a drink tonight I still didn’t and had a great time! Lots and lots of laughs and dancing! It was awesome so thank you all and great to end the week on a positive! Keep smiling everyone and know I’m always here if anyone needs to chat 😊 or anything! You are in this blog as you all mean something to me 😘.