You ever had one of those uh oh moments when you allow something to happen and then realise crap I didn’t want that to be seen or noticed. A million different scenarios running through my over stimulated brain. I’ve had that this week and the realisation sent my mind into turmoil…. I haven’t had a panic attack in a long time, but this one was very severe. Every part of my body was violently shaking – probably didn’t help that I had hardly eaten or drunk all day too! I used my calming techniques and had some water and that somewhat helped me out of the worst of it and allowed me to get up and move on, but I know I upset a lot of people in the process 🙄. Getting others to understand how it can affect you so quickly I find hard to deal with!
This whole week in fact has been an interesting one for me….. I have gone from being on the highest of highs last weekend, to the lowest of lows at times throughout the week! In my head everyone that I’ve wanted to talk too has been too busy to talk! Trust me I don’t reach out for help very often as I hate sounding needy or desperate (all of which I feel at the moment), but geez driving off a cliff or into a pole seemed like an option this week! Not reaching out is how I got here in the first place🙄, so you’d think I would have learnt but no! However I realise I have so much more to live for and so many more adventures to be a part of and the good outweighs the bad mostly.
“Sometimes people with depression can be clingy. Usually it’s because you make them feel after feeling numb for a long time” – author unknown. I found this quote and it kind of sums me up at the moment and how I’m feeling. Please know I’m not being clingy if I want to talk, my brain just knows the conversations I want and need to have! My brain wants/craves laughter for some reason – I guess it’s because I found it hard to laugh for a while! My brain also has to find out stuff to be quiet otherwise it doesn’t stop ticking, which in turns mean no sleeping! I’ve also had that numb feeling a few times this week after finally feeling again! It’s so weird to describe and makes me feel so lonely and out of control.
This week I did some things I would never have done ever in my life and had the most fun I’ve had in ages….. I’m sure you would have all heard my laughter from the top of the hills on Sunday as I squealed in delight at the things that I was not in control of, but thoroughly enjoying….. it was so awesome to be relaxed and enjoying myself while being (as some would say) quite adventurous for me 😊. Who knows I could still become more adventurous yet too! It’s definitely the country air that helps to get everything clear and functioning again and puts your life into perspective!
However after two fantastic days and getting back into normal routine I’ve felt lonely for contact with others since. Maybe I just overstimulated myself and it sent my brain off the rails! Too much communication with too many people? I don’t know 🤷♀️. I enjoyed myself that’s for sure but why am I now feeling so deflated, rejected and sad? These are the things that confuse me and I know I hide all this pretty well as not many even know if I’ve been upset, not even those closest to me, although I think a few do this week! Hopefully I get through this little hiccup and am out the other side soon – I probably will lay low for a bit though cause I know I’ve upset a lot of people and I hate doing that – so if you’re one I’m so sorry 😐.