Writing these over the past few months has helped me to a few huge realisations…. one in a way I did this to myself, two I need to move forward and stop looking backwards, three only those I truly care about are still with me as I’ve pushed some away and just seen the true colours of others and four most of the time I truly hate who I am and have become. So I’ve been trying to make a lot of changes!!!! Changing my mindset, thinking more about when and where I say things, changing my diet and getting back on the exercising bandwagon to feel better and hopefully 🤞 look better….. 

I know to the person next door I probably still look the same on the outside and more normal than some, but on the inside most days it’s still just a total disaster! My memory is still shocking at times and anyone that knows me well, understands I’ve always had a sharp memory – so this is hard and frustrating! The things that happen inside my head are not cool!!! But then again sometimes I say these things out loud and totally regret them 😩. Some can’t even look at me because of this reason 😭. Why oh why am I so stupid and dumb???? Why do I have to say things that half the time I don’t even mean? In order to move forward I wonder if I need a total change! 

I just want to be normal again, but I am thankful that I can get out of bed pretty much everyday now and do things. It’s doesn’t matter how big or small, just getting up, showering and dressing always makes me feel like I’ve achieved something! Some days are still hard to show my face to the real world or even those I love the most but I try harder and harder everyday and because of this I know I have more good days than bad! Although in saying that a bad day can turn good if I’m in the right company! Please know though that most days are a struggle even if I seem on top of my game – I understand how mentally and physically challenging everyday can be, regardless of whether you think I look good or seem good! Trust me most days I’m not on top of it! 

I’ve been thinking a lot about my grandparents this week…. Sometimes I wish I could talk to my Nan again! She always had great advice and always listened. She lived with Mum, Dad and I for about 10 years so we certainly had a special relationship. Sometimes when I think of her passing I regret the fact I never got to see her that one last time to say a proper goodbye and still to this day I don’t think I did enough grieving at the time. It truly breaks my heart still 💔. You see I’ve always tried to be the strong one and trust me it’s not good! Keeping all the emotions bottled up inside has wreaked me! I’m the one that wants to be there for everyone else. Even when Dannielle had her brain injury I tried to be the strong one, but look what it’s done to me! I hated seeing her the way she was, it was a nightmare for us all and a time I’ll never forget, but so grateful she is still with us and we got to go travelling to some amazing places together. From all this though I know I need to learn to open up at the time and I strongly advise this to everyone out there! Don’t keep those feeling bottled up inside – it’s ok to cry! (I guess it’s ok that I just cried the whole time while writing this too😭). 

When I think back to some of the grieving I haven’t done it’s possibly a huge contributor to why I’ve got sick. My Uncle that I had a lot to do with he passed away when I was like 8 and my grandad (who taught me a lot about life and cards lol) passed away when I was 11! Didn’t cry much but remember going through rough times after these events. However I know they are all looking down on me and are with me every step of the way. It was funny cause I had just written this and then had my access bars run the next day. Susan told me sometimes we hang on to things and certain things trigger these memories again. It’s so true, but I know I just need to pin point who it belongs too…. If it’s a young me I can let it go! I guess I’ve got a lot of learning to do and a lot of re-training of my brain to do! It’s also ok to talk to those no longer with us and we shouldn’t feel silly doing this….. I often talk to my grandad through his special ring I wear everyday. I’m sure he’s with me when this is on my finger and helps me at times. 

Please don’t be freaked out by what I’ve written, I’m not going completely insane, just learning to cleanse my mind, body and soul and release the demons my head have been struggling with! I guess one day soon I’ll get my break and happiness will fill me again, but until then tell your loved ones you love them, cuddle them, be there for them in times of need and don’t leave those in need feeling insecure or alone. I’m very saddened by journalist Greg Boyed’s death and just want everyone to be there for each other! Don’t hold grudges, smile and have fun when you can – much love to you all xxx😘

The struggle is real and this is raw…..

Special note: Please know before reading this that I cried writing it and just want you know how my life has felt and been for possibly the past year or more, but I’m going to beat this with all of your help, love and support! 

Tick, tock, tick, tock – the sound of my brain at all hours of the night/morning wondering, thinking, wishing, dreaming, believing and understanding what has happened, where I have been and what’s still to come for me? The who cares and who doesn’t! Who has made contact in some way or another or bothered to pop in and see me and actually support me through this – the toughest and darkest journey of my life! It’s interesting to think how unimportant you become to some when you are no longer of convenience to them. Those I no longer serve a purpose too – do they not care about me anymore??? You certainly reflect thoroughly on your life when in this state and realise/understand how you weren’t maybe really a part of someone’s life but more just there for them and when you need/ed them the most – see you later! Why? I’ve always been there for others during some of the toughest and darkest times….. I’ve listened, talked and kept a lot of secrets but when I’ve needed this in return some of those that I wanted by me the most have disappeared! Thank you to those of you who are actually here – I need real not fake! 

The old saying goes kick someone while they’re down – yep thanks for that – no wonder I can’t get back up! The first time I actually felt like I couldn’t do it anymore – well let’s just say I regret that I didn’t get the right help I needed from the right people at this time! You see I’ve come to the realisation that I was driven to this point in my life where I wish I had only continued on the good life path and not headed in the different direction that I went on! It’s so hard when your brain is torn between whether someone is being genuine to you or not, but I am pretty good at reading body language and I have (well at least used to have) fantastic intuition and I know that what my head tells me is generally right – although I don’t think that in my current state! I’ve made some pretty (excuse my language) fucked up decisions! However I know now that all these things my head was telling me initially was true! It’s just a shame I had to end up how I have because of it! 

It’s hard to believe how low others can stoop when you are at your lowest point! Why would you question my illness or why would you have a conversation full of negatives with a person that is very depressed and full of anxiety? Some of these things still often play on my mind (obviously)…. I still feel sick and get severe anxiety when I think of some of the things that have happened! There are also places that trigger my anxiety – places that bring back bad memories and people do too! It’s sometimes the look on someone’s face that makes me anxious and reminds me of the situation I did not like and felt weak and not in control of who I was or what I was doing! Do you know how hard it is when you’re not in control of your own life and brain? 

Why does life have to be so cruel? Why can’t things be simple? Yes I know it would be boring if there was no drama, but why do some get a worse deal than others? No one deserves to have it rough, I’m all for everyone being the best they can be and succeeding in life! Where is the love people and where are you when I need the most love and support? It’s sad how people can critique you for one mistake, but then they make several and you’re meant to turn a blind eye and a deaf ear! Life is about making mistakes and then being able to accept it and offer your forgiveness! People are too caught up in the political stuff instead of thinking ok she made a mistake and was genuinely sorry for it, yes sure she was not 100% about how she should deal with it at the time, but really sorry! If I make a mistake I punish myself so hard (as most of you will know) and more so since in this state! Holding a grudge does no one anyone good – trust me on that one!!! Also understand that if people uncharacteristically make mistakes then maybe there is more going on than you’re seeing or thinking!! Be there for each other and don’t back away or make them feel worse and unwanted! I mean for gods sake there are only so many ways you can say sorry and what else can you do to prove you are genuine? 

My life has been and some days still is a living hell! A nightmare even! I still make a lot of mistakes and believe me I regret everything I do that is a mistake, but life is for living and learning from the mistakes we make! Nobody should ever intentionally make you feel so bad that you don’t want to be here any longer because of a mistake you’ve made when you’re mentally sick – sad, but true! So look after those you care for and be there as a genuine ear, not a running mouth! Hug friends you care for and show people how much you are there for them in their darkest hours! There is a reason I want you in my life and always know that, but please forgive anything I’ve ever done and know I’m sorry and need you all more than ever to help me find my new direction – much love x 

Just to end – know I am fine…. just need to get on paper some of my thoughts and feelings – sorry some of it is a bit of a dribble at times.