Special note: Please know before reading this that I cried writing it and just want you know how my life has felt and been for possibly the past year or more, but I’m going to beat this with all of your help, love and support!
Tick, tock, tick, tock – the sound of my brain at all hours of the night/morning wondering, thinking, wishing, dreaming, believing and understanding what has happened, where I have been and what’s still to come for me? The who cares and who doesn’t! Who has made contact in some way or another or bothered to pop in and see me and actually support me through this – the toughest and darkest journey of my life! It’s interesting to think how unimportant you become to some when you are no longer of convenience to them. Those I no longer serve a purpose too – do they not care about me anymore??? You certainly reflect thoroughly on your life when in this state and realise/understand how you weren’t maybe really a part of someone’s life but more just there for them and when you need/ed them the most – see you later! Why? I’ve always been there for others during some of the toughest and darkest times….. I’ve listened, talked and kept a lot of secrets but when I’ve needed this in return some of those that I wanted by me the most have disappeared! Thank you to those of you who are actually here – I need real not fake!
The old saying goes kick someone while they’re down – yep thanks for that – no wonder I can’t get back up! The first time I actually felt like I couldn’t do it anymore – well let’s just say I regret that I didn’t get the right help I needed from the right people at this time! You see I’ve come to the realisation that I was driven to this point in my life where I wish I had only continued on the good life path and not headed in the different direction that I went on! It’s so hard when your brain is torn between whether someone is being genuine to you or not, but I am pretty good at reading body language and I have (well at least used to have) fantastic intuition and I know that what my head tells me is generally right – although I don’t think that in my current state! I’ve made some pretty (excuse my language) fucked up decisions! However I know now that all these things my head was telling me initially was true! It’s just a shame I had to end up how I have because of it!
It’s hard to believe how low others can stoop when you are at your lowest point! Why would you question my illness or why would you have a conversation full of negatives with a person that is very depressed and full of anxiety? Some of these things still often play on my mind (obviously)…. I still feel sick and get severe anxiety when I think of some of the things that have happened! There are also places that trigger my anxiety – places that bring back bad memories and people do too! It’s sometimes the look on someone’s face that makes me anxious and reminds me of the situation I did not like and felt weak and not in control of who I was or what I was doing! Do you know how hard it is when you’re not in control of your own life and brain?
Why does life have to be so cruel? Why can’t things be simple? Yes I know it would be boring if there was no drama, but why do some get a worse deal than others? No one deserves to have it rough, I’m all for everyone being the best they can be and succeeding in life! Where is the love people and where are you when I need the most love and support? It’s sad how people can critique you for one mistake, but then they make several and you’re meant to turn a blind eye and a deaf ear! Life is about making mistakes and then being able to accept it and offer your forgiveness! People are too caught up in the political stuff instead of thinking ok she made a mistake and was genuinely sorry for it, yes sure she was not 100% about how she should deal with it at the time, but really sorry! If I make a mistake I punish myself so hard (as most of you will know) and more so since in this state! Holding a grudge does no one anyone good – trust me on that one!!! Also understand that if people uncharacteristically make mistakes then maybe there is more going on than you’re seeing or thinking!! Be there for each other and don’t back away or make them feel worse and unwanted! I mean for gods sake there are only so many ways you can say sorry and what else can you do to prove you are genuine?
My life has been and some days still is a living hell! A nightmare even! I still make a lot of mistakes and believe me I regret everything I do that is a mistake, but life is for living and learning from the mistakes we make! Nobody should ever intentionally make you feel so bad that you don’t want to be here any longer because of a mistake you’ve made when you’re mentally sick – sad, but true! So look after those you care for and be there as a genuine ear, not a running mouth! Hug friends you care for and show people how much you are there for them in their darkest hours! There is a reason I want you in my life and always know that, but please forgive anything I’ve ever done and know I’m sorry and need you all more than ever to help me find my new direction – much love x
Just to end – know I am fine…. just need to get on paper some of my thoughts and feelings – sorry some of it is a bit of a dribble at times.
Keeping it real Mel, thats what I love about you. This is a great blog, you standing up for yourself is actually are massive step in a positive direction in its self. A true friend will forgive you know matter what mistake you feel you have made, God knows i have made LOTS of mistakes and you sure do find out who actually is a true friend, and thats a good thing because you know who is not worth your energy. Lots a luv always xx
Keeping it real is easy for me normally, but this was a hard one 🙄. I’d do anything for anyone at anytime, but just wish I’d get the same in return! However I’m learning and I know who my real people are…. I love what you contribute and thanks for always being there for me – love always xx
Oooh sweety. You are braver than you know. I am very proud of your words that you have written, to place these to be read, is heartfelt and raw, and true, which is an amazing this to do. Keeping others thoughts securely in your head is hard, I wish you could just flit their secrets away, out of your mind so you don’t have to keep them in the behalves anymore. You are strong, you are beautiful soul . You are you and that alone is special. Xxxxx
Thanks Janine 😊
Take care of yourself and the others that care for you. Keep them close. I hear you when you say I’ve listen kept their secrets and all you need is the same and when you turn for support there no one there. It happens to me too. Or youve told someone something really special or personal and it’s gone everywhere. The tick is to forgive them and move on karma has its own way of sorting it. Take care my friend.
Thank you 😊
Why are we so hard on ourselves when we are at our most vulnerable? You have no need to keep saying sorry you are a beautiful,kind loving lady and everyone makes mistakes.. I was once told friends come for a reason, a season or a lifetime. If people have moved on then their time is done in your life and that’s soo sad but in the end the ones you really need stay on. Please know too that some are just soo tied up in their own lives they forget others are struggling. Anyone that knows you well, knows that nothing you do would ever deliberately hurt anyone. Love you have a lovely day, go enjoy the sun xxxxx
Thank you for your words and all you are doing for me. I truly appreciate everything and love our catch ups x
Don’t you wish there was a switch you could flick sometimes to turn your brain off! You did really well to get that all out of your mind and onto the page – well done. So brave. Keep doing it to clear out your thoughts to make room for positive thoughts to move in. Keep doing whatever you need to do to get you through the darkness and out into the sunshine where you belong. Much love coming your way xx