Where am I heading?

Ok so I know I haven’t updated for a bit but that’s cause it’s been busy and I’ve been relatively steady! Yea I’ve had a few ups and downs and moments I wish I could edit, but generally I’ve been ok…. We had that busy couple of weeks recently with my family and birthdays – two of them being very special ones. This means there was a lot going on and boy did I and my body suffer for it! My head has been all over the place and confused by going ons, but after a couple of days rest I felt like I was slowly starting to pick up again! 

It’s really interesting how my head gets affected when there’s lots going on! I’m certainly not clear in my thinking and what other people say and do influence my mind! I find this hard as I’ve always been a clear thinker and I’ve always been able to make decisions, but since this I have not made some great decisions and been too influenced by others! It’s scary really and I almost feel as though my brain is not part of me anymore! So many things I would never normally do or say happen, just because 🙄. It drives me insane and hurts me, especially when I hurt others and make decisions that aren’t so good! I then live a life full of regrets and sadness and I wish I could rewind and delete! I swear things don’t happen cause I want them too! Why can’t things just be good for me? Why can’t it all just work out?

A medical professional that I’ve become very fond of even had to put up with my tears, but I genuinely felt supported by her as she teared up and told me she was there for me and just a phone call away if I needed someone to talk too….. I know I do a good job of hiding my feelings, but sometimes I need to talk and if everyone is busy this is when I go into turmoil! The beach is my safe place and even though it scares the hell out of mum when I go driving and thinking on my own for hours on end, I know that I’ll be ok again soon and I just sometimes need to be alone! Some of you would actually not believe what I’ve done on my own as I can’t 😳. 

Once or twice I’ve contemplated bad thoughts, but truth is I still have so many people in my life I want to be around for! Yes it is still early stages with me and I am learning everyday how to get out of this hole! Unfortunately I have noticed a bit of a pattern around when things seem to get worse for me and of course it’s when I’m in my most vulnerable state one or two days in a month….. maybe I should just lock myself away these days and not communicate with anyone in anyway 😳. I’m starting to think this is what I need to do! I almost need a special place to disappear to at this time 🤔. 

I’ve had a few mild panic attacks that I’ve managed to use my grounding and breathing to get through, but I’ve had some weird leg shaking, moments of breathlessness, been passing out and issues with my head when I’m in different places, tired or doing too much lately too! It’s really hard to explain, but I understand why it’s happening most of the time! I think I need a medic alert bracelet so people know I am a risk in the community as I never know when this might happen! In all seriousness though – should this be an option? Or will this give me a label? 

I’ve considered a few different options of late too – one being going on a retreat to get better! $24,000 is a bit beyond me though for a three week journey. Another one was like $4,500 but it sounded a bit creepy 😧. I will just have to see what happens! Why can’t things be easy, affordable and accessible when you need them to be. Just a nice quiet space away from everyone and everything is sometimes just what I need! A place where I can think, relax and rest up! I’ve also thought about doing some study to give me another direction 💭. Well it’s more like pursuing a hobby that I love a lot! A bit of cost to start up but I’m gonna try to make it happen – life is too short to not take some chances! I’ll keep you all posted on that one. Anyway I hope you’re all good and living each day to the max 😘