Today marks day number 20 of simply being on edge. Yep 20 days ago I had a panic attack and I haven’t really found my way back since….. I am not sure what normal is at this point in time and I don’t know how many more days I can take. I’ve had every part/symptom of anxiety you can think of from an ongoing constant headache, fatigue, exhaustion, painful jaw and teeth, racing heart, tight chest, tense shoulders, upset tummy, nausea, sleepiness, sleeplessness, bad dreams, reliving moments, restless legs – you name it, I’ve felt it in these past 20 days. I’m just about at the bottom of the hole and I’m not sure I can dig my way back out of this one. Nothing excites me at the moment and I feel like I have nothing to look forward too! I lack motivation for the everyday tasks and I don’t seem to have a passion for much at all, which those who know me really well know I’m quite a passionate person. I even think my family has lost faith in me. Normally they want to talk to me but they’ve all been shying away the past couple of days and only say what needs to be said! The whole world is on top of me and I’m drowning in stuff I need to do but simply don’t know where to start with. People say they are here for me, but I’m not sure they know the extent to which I need them. It’s currently 2.30am, I can’t sleep, my head is constantly aching and I need to get up soon and do life like I’m 100% on top of my game, wearing a smile and happy as can be…… I don’t know how to do this? Why did things have to change and upset my rhythm. I was coasting along smoothly and then bang I’m back at the beginning…. when will I be ok again?
This is a poem of sorts that I’ve put together about how it feels when anxiety kicks in and a panic attack starts. This past week I have taken some time to myself to recover from an attack I had and really didn’t see coming. Just a lot of stress built up and hit the surface. Anyway I’m looking forward to normality again and hope this poem helps or resonates with some of you (I’m not even sure I know how to write a poem, but here goes)……
I’m listening, but I can’t really hear you
I’m feeling, but everything is numb
I’m seeing, but the walls are closing in.
My heart starts to race,
My head starts to spin,
My body is shaking and I loose all control.
I want it to stop, but the tears start to stream
I’m loosing myself with the fog in my brain,
I try hard to breathe, but my chest is all tight
How can I stop this? When will I be right?
I just need time, time just to breathe, time to regain focus and somebody to love.
I’m back on this earth and ready to go, I wonder how long until the next blow…..