Sometimes I just feel useless….. I get sad about the small stuff, even though I know I shouldn’t! My past does come back to haunt me a lot!!!! Today is one of those days! I hate everything that’s happened to me during this time in my life and I just don’t know where to go next! I lost some of my most favourite people and have felt so deep in the darkest hole that I’d never get back up! When life throws you curveballs, it certainly knows how to do it!!!!! What other shit is gonna come at me from around the corner? WHY WHY WHY can’t things just get back on track instead of continuing to derail? I don’t know what god still has in store for me and I hate that it’s out of my control and I can’t plan it!!!!! Some would say it’s karma, but I thought karma only happened to those who had done bad! I’ve never intentionally ever done anything bad! I have been pressured into making bad decisions (all of which I so wouldn’t do if I was in the right head space and felt supported at the time). I’ve felt so much hurt, but NEVER delivered it from me in my normal mindset…. All I feel in return is ‘discrimination’ – I’m the girl with a mental illness who made some mistakes, quit what I love to sort myself out and now a year later I’m ready to move forward but am unwanted in every possible way…… I can’t see or even feel the light at the end of it all!!!! I’m writing this to stop me from making poor decisions and to remind me I’m surrounded by loving people who support and care for me in so many ways! So where to next for Melissa/Mel Mel/Mel/Melisika? Can I come back from this?
Surviving the first year…..
Today marks one year since I was ‘officially’ diagnosed with anxiety and depression (mental illness or an invisible illness to most). Even though I know I have been suffering for longer than a year, definitely 4-5 months prior to the diagnosis, I do feel kind of happy with where I’m currently at!! This time a year ago was just the beginning of me going on more of a downhill slope than I could have ever imagined possible. Yes I had a lot of moments prior to the diagnoses but nothing prepared me for what I was going to go through to get my medication just right for me! The extreme highs and then the absolute loss of control over nothing for sometimes no reason. My emotions were all over the place and anything at all negative just sent me spiralling. I only had a few people I could entirely depend on to help and support me and even sometimes they couldn’t help me. I just wanted to be alone a lot, which I think I’ve mentioned scared the hell out of mum! The embarrassment of facing those dearest to me when I was completely NOT in control of any part of me! I guess these are the signs that are visible, but still some people feel the urge to push you deeper into a darker hole and don’t care the pressure you feel or the humiliation.
I’m forever grateful to my counsellor for helping me see the light and eliminate some of my absolute obvious stresses! She guided me to clarify things in my mind which were muddled! She helped me to understand my feelings and instincts are still most important and I should only be doing what I think is right not what others encourage me to do! She reminded me that I am a good person, with a big heart, that probably loves those closest to me too much sometimes, but to let them know that and spend time with people whose company I enjoy and that enjoy mine. You don’t want to push people away, but know you do to a certain degree throughout this journey and on the other hand you want some people around you, but know they don’t understand or are not sure where they should fit in your life! Others simply disappear and you wonder why 🤔. You didn’t choose for this to happen and some things that you did were not really you! Surely people understand that!
I value diversity and uniqueness and I always have. That’s what makes me a great coach, teacher and friend to many! It makes me a fabulous daughter, sister, sister-in-law and Aunty. It helps me to understand people of all ages and abilities and I’m a great observer of body language. Sometimes through the fog my head got a bit muddled and still does, especially when I’m tired, but I’m learning to deal with this!!!! As I’m learning to deal with every new challenge this has thrown my way! I know I’m not the same me, but in some ways I know I’m a better me than I was before! I very seldom get stressed anymore about the small stuff, which means I’m a lot more mellow and chilled than I’ve ever been before. I now do what my heart tells me is right and not what others influence. This is why I love my involvement with marching. I can help others be better with my knowledge and support – which is what I enjoy most in life – helping others! This is why I miss teaching and know it’s time to get back to this 😊. Now I’m no religious person, but I know God put us on earth for a purpose and mine was to love, guide and support others in everything I do and that’s my plan for the rest of my life!!!! So here’s to a better next 12 months with all you wonderful people in my life and many new ones that I meet along the way. Much love xxx
Struggling on through….
Hey team – I hope everyone had a fabulous Christmas with your loved ones and that you celebrated the New Year in your own way. I found a way through these past couple of weeks, even though it has been hard at times and I have had a few little hiccups.
Christmas day was lovely with my family and we enjoyed lots of love, laughter, food and games. Even Mum got involved with the old beer pong – it was great! I felt a sense of pride about the presents I had created (due to my limited budget) for my family, knowing they’d always hold a special memory for them. It was a little hard for everyone though hearing of the passing of my uncle and thinking of all those closest to him, but the family will forever treasure his memory at Christmas time.
Christmas and New Year even though I love it so much, still seems to conger up all kinds of emotions for me. I guess the issues Danni had a couple of years ago sits with me at this time of year, along with a few other memories of those that have passed and some situations from the past! Due to these reasons and my emotions playing tricks on me, I have had a few ‘moments’! No panic attacks as such(it’s been a good few months now without any 🤞), but I’ve had to do my breathing, have had some tears and there has definitely been days when I haven’t wanted to or been able to do a lot!!!! Also money always sits at the back of my mind!!!
I’m currently looking at getting back into work and honestly sooner rather than later would be great! Obviously it wasn’t me that won the $22 million or I’d be at one of my favourite places on earth (Disneyland) right about now 😜. For those that don’t know I made the hard decision to leave my job in February last year and no this wasn’t easy, but at the end of the day I wasn’t capable of completing my work in a satisfactory way and if I just took leave I would have still been 100% focused on work (as I always am) and not myself, which is what I needed to do!
Due to this I of course had no money and didn’t really want to go on a benefit 🙄. However I had to succumb to this and sign up at WINZ, but this money is nothing compared to what I was earning! Pretty much a days pay 🙄. All these questions: how am I going to live? What am I going to do? Will I have to sell my house? I mean I had some savings but it’s not going to last forever!!!!!
I had to go and try sort out something – this stress and pressure and worry did not help my situation one little bit! I’ve never relied on anyone else to support me ever and have always been able to live a pretty great life, adventuring and making last minute decisions to go and do things when I want, taking whoever I want, but then OMG 😲. Luckily I could put my mortgage temporarily on hold for a few months or that stress would have killed me! It breaks my heart to ask for help and to have to think twice before I do something! Honestly this is the one time that being single and not having the financial support of a partner at a time of need has bothered me. Seriously though I have learnt big time that money shouldn’t dictate your life or your state of mind, but the $22 million would have been nice 😜.
I realise that not worrying about the negatives and focusing on the positives is when things head in the right direction for me. That is how I need to keep moving forward – be grateful everyday and know everything will find a way to work out right! I could never do this journey without my family/loved ones and they all know how grateful I am to them. Even though there are a few gaps in my life at the moment, I know everything will be a new normal for me again! In the meantime let’s keep believing in the good things and cross everything for me to be a working girl again soon!
Enjoy 2019 everyone and make it your year – I know I’m going try 😊. Please note I’ve been officially a whole year now alcohol free and don’t miss it one bit lol…..