Surviving the first year…..

Today marks one year since I was ‘officially’ diagnosed with anxiety and depression (mental illness or an invisible illness to most). Even though I know I have been suffering for longer than a year, definitely 4-5 months prior to the diagnosis, I do feel kind of happy with where I’m currently at!! This time a year ago was just the beginning of me going on more of a downhill slope than I could have ever imagined possible. Yes I had a lot of moments prior to the diagnoses but nothing prepared me for what I was going to go through to get my medication just right for me! The extreme highs and then the absolute loss of control over nothing for sometimes no reason. My emotions were all over the place and anything at all negative just sent me spiralling. I only had a few people I could entirely depend on to help and support me and even sometimes they couldn’t help me. I just wanted to be alone a lot, which I think I’ve mentioned scared the hell out of mum! The embarrassment of facing those dearest to me when I was completely NOT in control of any part of me! I guess these are the signs that are visible, but still some people feel the urge to push you deeper into a darker hole and don’t care the pressure you feel or the humiliation. 

I’m forever grateful to my counsellor for helping me see the light and eliminate some of my absolute obvious stresses! She guided me to clarify things in my mind which were muddled! She helped me to understand my feelings and instincts are still most important and I should only be doing what I think is right not what others encourage me to do! She reminded me that I am a good person, with a big heart, that probably loves those closest to me too much sometimes, but to let them know that and spend time with people whose company I enjoy and that enjoy mine. You don’t want to push people away, but know you do to a certain degree throughout this journey and on the other hand you want some people around you, but know they don’t understand or are not sure where they should fit in your life! Others simply disappear and you wonder why 🤔. You didn’t choose for this to happen and some things that you did were not really you! Surely people understand that! 

I value diversity and uniqueness and I always have. That’s what makes me a great coach, teacher and friend to many! It makes me a fabulous daughter, sister, sister-in-law and Aunty. It helps me to understand people of all ages and abilities and I’m a great observer of body language. Sometimes through the fog my head got a bit muddled and still does, especially when I’m tired, but I’m learning to deal with this!!!! As I’m learning to deal with every new challenge this has thrown my way! I know I’m not the same me, but in some ways I know I’m a better me than I was before! I very seldom get stressed anymore about the small stuff, which means I’m a lot more mellow and chilled than I’ve ever been before. I now do what my heart tells me is right and not what others influence. This is why I love my involvement with marching. I can help others be better with my knowledge and support – which is what I enjoy most in life – helping others! This is why I miss teaching and know it’s time to get back to this 😊. Now I’m no religious person, but I know God put us on earth for a purpose and mine was to love, guide and support others in everything I do and that’s my plan for the rest of my life!!!! So here’s to a better next 12 months with all you wonderful people in my life and many new ones that I meet along the way. Much love xxx