So I absolutely hate my life when it’s that time of the month….. I mean it’s never been the best time for me anyway but now it’s like a hundred thousand times worse! Everything just falls apart for me. Every bad memory surfaces and haunts me for hours on end at night time especially (although this happens almost all the time – hence the late night blogs). Everything everyone does feels like it’s to get at me and hurt or upset me in some way. I get jealous of people for the strangest reasons and angry with myself. This either happens on the first couple of days or a couple of days after…. why oh why do I have to go through this shit I ask myself regularly. Anyway this last week has been bad and made me really sad and almost to the point where I didn’t want to be here anymore.
I’ve been tired, had a lot going on and all my muscles have been sore. All these things bring me down and then throw in the fact that I’m hormonal – what a recipe for disaster! We had a family get together for Father’s Day and like I said I felt tired! I also had been feeling a bit off colour on and off for a few days with a sore throat. Anyway went and helped over the farm, but really felt lifeless! I had a sore ear and really didn’t feel like interacting much with anyone – even those I love the most and rely on to help me through! Long story short I lost the plot and had a panic attack! I guess this highlighted to my family and myself that a panic attack is not just about rocking back and forwards and hyperventilating but it can be random bursts of irritability, nit picking, obsessive behaviour, pacing, zoning out and silence (as per Facebook post I shared).
When I think back I started off with silence and zoning out while watching the rugby…… I couldn’t tell you one conversation that was had while watching that game or what actually happened in that game, even though I sat watching it with others. I then started nit picking and being irritable with the kids before EVERYTHING just got too much and I run away! Now imagine this from the point of view of those I love the most – we were on the farm, it was dark, I wasn’t answering my texts or phone calls and I know everyone was worried, but my head didn’t want a bar of it! Finally I gave up my location and was rescued from another embarrassing situation.
This isn’t the first time I’ve ‘freaked out’ when in the company of my nearest and dearest…. Easter brunch I spent just about the whole day crying and wanting to be alone, instead of enjoying the very few times my family are altogether nowadays! I know it should be a celebration of us being together, but my head controls me unfortunately and I cannot say hang on – hold fire I think I’m going to loose my shit today let’s postpone until I feel better! I don’t like what it does to them either, I know it upsets them and at the end of the day yes the kids are all teenagers, but that does not mean they entirely understand what’s going on with me or even know how to talk to me sometimes! I try to be normal (well as normal as I can be), but the truth is I’m not normal anymore and sometimes I just need that simple hi how are you or a hug, a text, a can you pick me up or do you wanna go to the movies or out for lunch to know all is not lost!
Anyway I still have not seen everyone since this happened and I’m not sure at all if they want to talk to me ever again! It makes me nervous and scared and ready to just lock myself away from everyone and everything! Everyone who knows me knows how much I love my family and depend on them and their love – I just wish I didn’t keep letting them down and could move in the right direction instead of 2 steps forward and 4 back! When will I ever get a clean break and a fresh start? When will people look at me as Melissa again? Mum said a lot of the stuff I think people are saying and thinking is in my head and yes she’s probably right after all I am suffering with a mental illness! She is my strength and the one person I can cry to or with, without feeling ashamed (apart from my counsellor who knows a lot and has seen me very vulnerable).
I just want to say please get to know the new me and help me if you think I need it because I don’t always know when I’m on a downward slope where as you might see the signs. I ask that you don’t be afraid of me and you do what is best for me – get me a water, give me a hug, remove me from a situation that I might feel embarrassed about if something happens and just think about everyone’s well-being….. I want to be here and continue to love all my friends and family, but I can’t do it alone – I need you all 😊.
Sorry if this is full on or scary to anyone, but I want everyone to know we aren’t alone and can support each other through this journey called life – thanks for reading – my love to you all 😘.