Today marks day number 20 of simply being on edge. Yep 20 days ago I had a panic attack and I haven’t really found my way back since….. I am not sure what normal is at this point in time and I don’t know how many more days I can take. I’ve had every part/symptom of anxiety you can think of from an ongoing constant headache, fatigue, exhaustion, painful jaw and teeth, racing heart, tight chest, tense shoulders, upset tummy, nausea, sleepiness, sleeplessness, bad dreams, reliving moments, restless legs – you name it, I’ve felt it in these past 20 days. I’m just about at the bottom of the hole and I’m not sure I can dig my way back out of this one. Nothing excites me at the moment and I feel like I have nothing to look forward too! I lack motivation for the everyday tasks and I don’t seem to have a passion for much at all, which those who know me really well know I’m quite a passionate person. I even think my family has lost faith in me. Normally they want to talk to me but they’ve all been shying away the past couple of days and only say what needs to be said! The whole world is on top of me and I’m drowning in stuff I need to do but simply don’t know where to start with. People say they are here for me, but I’m not sure they know the extent to which I need them. It’s currently 2.30am, I can’t sleep, my head is constantly aching and I need to get up soon and do life like I’m 100% on top of my game, wearing a smile and happy as can be…… I don’t know how to do this? Why did things have to change and upset my rhythm. I was coasting along smoothly and then bang I’m back at the beginning…. when will I be ok again?
This is a poem of sorts that I’ve put together about how it feels when anxiety kicks in and a panic attack starts. This past week I have taken some time to myself to recover from an attack I had and really didn’t see coming. Just a lot of stress built up and hit the surface. Anyway I’m looking forward to normality again and hope this poem helps or resonates with some of you (I’m not even sure I know how to write a poem, but here goes)……
I’m listening, but I can’t really hear you
I’m feeling, but everything is numb
I’m seeing, but the walls are closing in.
My heart starts to race,
My head starts to spin,
My body is shaking and I loose all control.
I want it to stop, but the tears start to stream
I’m loosing myself with the fog in my brain,
I try hard to breathe, but my chest is all tight
How can I stop this? When will I be right?
I just need time, time just to breathe, time to regain focus and somebody to love.
I’m back on this earth and ready to go, I wonder how long until the next blow…..
Today I want to talk to you all about bullying and the affect it has on people of the world. It is one of the leading causes of anxiety and depression and yes I can say it has affected me and sometimes still does. Most people when they think of bullying they just think saying nasty things to someone or doing nasty things to others, but I can tell you that’s not true. In fact bullying is defined as seeking to harm, intimidate, or coerce (someone perceived as vulnerable). Trust me this can be done in a million ways. Sometimes I feel very intimidated and feel like people are trying to harm me and it sux!
I really wish I hadn’t been sick recently and that there wasn’t stuff going on in my life, cause when I’m home I think way too much about stuff! Reflection makes me think – omg that person hates me or misunderstands me! I’m not liked at all, no one cares! When will I get a clean break? How can I ask the awkward questions? But then I realise I should use the time I’m at home to focus on helping others. Don’t let what’s happened to me or what I sometimes feel, happen to others I love and care for. So please if you feel like you’re being bullied, talk to someone and get the support! Do not try to handle the situation yourself, trust me it will cause you nothing but stress and unrest, leading to a lot bigger issues.
Also please remember bullying is if someone intentionally tries to hurt you in anyway. My mind has been intentionally bullied a few times and still to this day these situations come back to haunt me. A lot of the time people don’t see the invisible illnesses I suffer from, so say things that possibly wouldn’t normally hurt or upset me, but with a weak mind things can get blown out of proportion! Therefore my advice is don’t do something to someone else that you wouldn’t want done to yourself as you have no idea what’s going on in their head or body! Always try and be kind and if for whatever reason you come across wrong – admit it or apologise.
Anyway bullying is a thing I hugely hate in this world and in the words of most beauty queens, all I want in this lifetime is WORLD PEACE. So be nice, protect one another, ask for help and offer your support! Do not bully because tomorrow that person might not be here! You always know where I am if you need to talk!!!! Have a safe and happy long weekend everyone 😄
Today has just been one of those days…… I’ve managed to hold myself together well most of the day, but I did have a ‘waaa’ not long before I finished work, for whatever reason I don’t know as it wasn’t about anything specifically to do with work at all…. I’ve just been feeling LONELY and confused on and off for the whole week to be honest! I don’t know what it is, but I’ve tried hard to not feel out of the loop. I have had that feeling that people are talking about me and that there’s whispering and when I walk into a room it stops! It make me so anxious and paranoid. Maybe it is happening, but then I see no reason for it to be! I have done nothing wrong that I know of and am pretty on top of most things currently! (Well at least I thought I was).
I guess feeling tired hasn’t helped matters and possibly the fact that I have had a couple of pretty full on weeks! I know in my heart of heart I’m doing the best I can and sometimes I guess my best will NEVER be good enough, but I also know that I try to do whatever I can for others, but sometimes I just can’t do some things! I try and want to but just can’t! These are the moments in life that leave me in a state and make my stomach knot up, my heart race and my mind go fussy!
I want my life to be normal again and I want all the negatives in my mind and with my body to STOP! Let me be the person I want to be and need to be! I just feel like the world has no compassion and everyone is in life for themselves and as I said the other day just ask from time to time are you ok? Do you need a hug? Remember who is there for you when you need them and return the favour! I hope these feelings pass soon – otherwise I’m gonna need a lot of hugs 🤗
Please note: this is not directed at anyone and is not about work for those that are wondering – it is about my life this week and my thoughts – it’s generalised! There’s just so many things I wish I could still do without my stupid head confusing things….. I also want to stop having that feeling of loneliness, especially since I know I shouldn’t have it!
So I thought since it is suicide prevention day, it’s great to reflect and reminisce about how far I have come in the past couple of years. I mean I personally have never tried to do anything to harm myself, but I cannot say that the thought never crossed my mind. Therefore I absolutely understand how your head can be so messed up that you don’t know what you’re doing and just think no one cares, wants to help or even know what is going on. Being in a bad place is not easy for anyone, but being in such a deep dark hole that you think you can’t EVER get out of is total torture.
I know that there is still such a huge stigma about mental health in our country, even though it’s starting to get a bit more understood, but statistics show that more people died from suicide in New Zealand this past year than on our roads (and look at the ad campaigns pushing us to wear seatbelts, drive slow and not drink and drive). Yes there are advertisements for mental health, but at the end of the day all you want is to be loved and cared for from all your support network.
If someone you love reaches out for love, show them how much you care! Don’t let them keep trucking on thinking they are a hindrance and not important to you. All I ever wanted was my family and friends to be with me and do the things I love! I needed time and space and sometimes I still do. Sometimes we just need somewhere quiet to sit and reflect, but it’s important to know that someone cares enough to know where you are and to let you know you’re there if needed.
I still get overwhelmed when there are lots of people around, particularly all talking at once and sometimes I can’t deal with too many things in one day. I still get VERY tired and my body gets stressed and hurts, but I am doing a lot better at handling myself. Trust me you know when I’m tired or have had enough by my little outbursts, which might I add I do not always have control over. Yes I’m back working full time, but I am also learning my limits and towards the end of the week I start getting pretty stuffed, but I try to listen to my body and think about what is right for me to do!
Anyway in short I ask you all this – PLEASE check in with each other and ask ‘are you ok’ if you think you need too. Be there for your friends, family and loved ones! Let them know you care and love them, don’t give them reason to believe you don’t want to be around, especially those that are struggling. Talk to them when they talk to you and offer an ear or shoulder when it’s needed. BE THERE AND SHOW YOU CARE! Let your loved ones know they’re worth it. Let’s kick suicide in the butt and prevent it as much as we can.
Loads of love to all of you who have helped me on this journey xxxx
So this week has been a ‘HELL’ of a week in Melissa’s world! For the past couple of weeks I’ve been battery operated with a pico dressing to try and heal my wound faster. It is working well, but man it can be a pain being connected to a device all day and night! If I have pockets in my clothes it helps but when I don’t – OMG 🤦🏼♀️. I mean I get up to walk and forget and next minute I’m dragging my device along behind me – oops 😬. Anyway for the most of this journey I’ve still had my sense of humour – which can be quite bad sometimes, but this week it’s disappeared!
I finally got clearance from my nurse on Monday afternoon to return back to work on Tuesday with the proviso I take it easy and look after myself…… the first couple of days weren’t too bad, but by Thursday I was not only failing to smile, but spending most of the day upset about everything and anything! What a dork!!!! My nurse reminded me again on Thursday to make sure I was looking after me! Me?! Aye?! I always put myself last and my well-being as I prioritise so many other things and people before me!!!!
Anyway I got up and dressed for work on Friday knowing for well that I shouldn’t be going the way I was feeling! BUT we were short staffed and I HATE letting people down! I went and don’t think I even managed to crack a smile – feeling so miserable and down! I ended up giving up at lunchtime and surrendered to home! I walked in snuggled on the chair in my lounge and woke up 3 hours later! I guess I needed to rest 🤷♀️. I’ve barely moved all night and just feel exhausted!
Besides the mental exhaustion, I have a sore leg and knee, a constant headache and still at times feel sick!!!! FFS is all I can say! When will this ever end? When will I be on top of this again?! Why did I try to go back to normality? Will I ever succeed again? A million questions circulating in my head!!!!!! Despite all of this I’ve pushed away people that try to help! I’ve been a horrible person to be around and I’ve let the mental stress take over my brain!
I know I need to regain my focus and get back on track! I’m sure I will once I feel better with my physical struggles. Then I want to work hard to build up my mental strength by being a lot more ME focused! Looking after myself and learning to love myself for who I am and what I can contribute to life! Any help, love and support welcomed 😊. I need to learn to love what I’ve got and turn my life into what I want! It’s going to take me time to achieve this but hopefully I’m strong enough to do this (with the help of all you closest to me). I need to find that something to make me smile and regain my sparkle ✨🌟
Anyway thanks for letting me rant at this ungodly hour! Much love to you all 😘❤️
Wow what a week it’s been….. Never in my life when I went to work last Tuesday did I ever think I would be in hospital that afternoon! I mean I knew I had an abscess that had got infected but I thought my appointment with my nurse would be sufficient. However how wrong was I? Suggested outcome go straight to ED with a referral for hopefully IV antibiotics and maybe a procedure. Are you serious was my response! But I’ve just started my new job and omg tonight I’m meant to be going to the stage show Priscilla with all the girls in the family🙄😩. So back to work I go, to gather my belongings and get a friend to come with me! Into ED, a shitload of meds, an ultrasound to check how bad it is and what would you know admitted with the possibility of surgery 😭😭😭. The last time I had to be admitted to hospital I was 18 months old to have my tonsils removed, so it’s fair to say I don’t remember huge amounts of that!
What would I do without my sister and best friend Nonie? She left work to be with me at ED, waited with me through this few hours and came up to the ward with me until I was settled for my first sleepless night 😊. Of course because of my MRSA I was in isolation and felt like one big walking disease – what a loser! Anyway long story short the next morning I was on the surgery list! What surgery?! Omg panic stations – all these thoughts surrounding me – no idea what to expect – high stress levels! Me exposing my body to all these ‘hot’ doctors – ummm 😩. Those that know me well, know how stressed this made me 🙄. Off I go Wednesday afternoon to the unknown! It was all a bit much for me and made me quite anxious! Thankfully for one familiar and friendly face as I entered the theatre to tell me everything will be ok 😊.
I wasn’t completely put out just sedated but remember nothing much at all other than being told to ‘breathe Melissa’ (something I have to be told a lot) and to ‘open my eyes’. Wow what an experience! Back to my room to rest and recover! Five days on from the surgery and I’m still not recovered! I have a big hole in my side, which is healing nicely and yesterday was a very down day for me! I felt bad all day, so did what I was told to do and rested all day (rest when you need to, get up when you can! No work just yet, with a high dose of antibiotics to subside the infection). I thought I had my lucky break, but even though I know this is a minor setback for me I have to remember this is a physical issue and try not to let my mental unstableness take over! Very hard indeed and like I said earlier yesterday was not a good day!
So thank you to all those who have put up with me this past week! I’m extremely grateful to those that visited me during my two days in hospital and for all the messages I received! I am grateful to work for the lovely flowers and treats and for all their support! I love my job and miss the kids and look forward to being cleared to go back! I’m grateful to those that have sent me messages to uplift me when I’ve been down – you know who you are and for those closest to me that have done stuff for me that I should be doing for all of you! This week I wish I just had someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok, but 🤷♀️. Right now it’s 4.46am, I’ve been awake since my alarm went off for my medication at 3am, so right now I’m gonna try and sleep some more – so I don’t feel so nauseous! Hopefully today will be a better one and things are onwards and upwards from here 😊. Love you all and thank you for your love and support xxx ❤️😍😘
I thought since dropping the news that I now have a full time job I should write a blog about where I’m at….. Obviously things are definitely on the up for me and each and everyday I seem to become stronger than the day before! Yes I still have set backs – hell yesterday afternoon was one of those moments! I’m sure it’s pressure that sometimes gets to me. I knew I had a big night last night and I know I don’t cope as well as I did anymore and I guess that stressed me a bit, coupled with the fact I wanted to do something and couldn’t for various reasons. However I dug deep and pulled myself out of the hole I was in at 2.30pm to make it to the function I had just after 4pm and I stayed pretty much to the end!
I had a great night with some awesome people who support me and protect me more than they probably realise! In some ways I enjoy life more than ever before, which I guess shows my strength to overcome some bad situations. Other times I’m still timid and wish I could do what I want to do more 🤪. Anyway I guess that as my confidence continues to grow I will develop more courage to take some other risks in life!
On the work front well I’m loving my job and the way I’m coping with it and all the other extra curricular activities I’m involved with 🙄. Maybe one day I will learn to say no, but then I wouldn’t have met the amazing people I have in my life! I know there are still pieces of my puzzle missing, but I know each day I build on the finished picture I want for me to achieve!It’s so nice to be able to be the one that can support others again financially and from my experiences with anxiety and depression! I have so many people that give me so much love, support and comfort and the little things like a smile, wave or acknowledgement goes a long way to making my day!
Thank you all for the support and know I continue to appreciate all you do for me. Please know that I’m always here as a listening ear, a friend or just someone you want to have a giggle with or a night out! I’m happy and consider all those I have a connection with a lifelong friend 😍❤️
Who believes in premonitions? Well I never did and still am not sure I do but when you have some pretty vivid dreams and then things happen you begin to question yourself…… I’ve researched it but still don’t trust what has happened. So I guess I’ll just have to leave it and see if anything else happens, but several things I have dreamt about have happened not in exactly the same way, relatively soon afterwards – scary stuff!
Anyway this is a super positive post – I’m doing great! Pretty much working as a full time reliever in an infants and toddler room, apart from a stupid tummy bug which has set me on my bottom at the moment! Absolutely loving what I’m doing as the people I’m working with. I’m fully involved in outside activities with netball managing, netball bench official, watching rugby, being on the social committee for rugby/netball club and coaching our under 12s at marching. Yea yea I know I’m spreading myself a bit thin at times, and I need to learn to say no, but I realise this and this wee bug has reminded me to slow down a little and make sure I’m looking after me first and foremost! Although I can’t help but caring for others and wanting to do as much as possible to support others – it’s just in my heart 💓….
I want to spend more time with my family too. Everyone knows how much love I have for them all and I wanna be able to go out for dinner with them (without having prior plans) and go to the movies (something I haven’t done for about 18 months). I loved the time I spent with everyone over Easter. Lots of fun, laughter and card games with the most amazing people in my life! It’s easier to enjoy getting out now I have some $ in the bank again! I’m still loving my scrapbooking and have several projects on the go 🙄…… I’ve also even had a few drinks! Pacing myself of course and remembering that I’m on medication and to not be silly about it all! It’s lovely to socialise though with my friends and have a drink when I feel the need/want too.
Anyway I’m ready to continue conquering the world and still appreciate all the support you all give me! I’m always here if anyone wants to talk – even though I can sometimes be really boring! 🤣
Lack of sleep, out of routine, lots of aches and pains, and then the impossible! This is pretty much how my mind was during the past week! I mean don’t get me wrong I loved being with my teamies and the laughs etc that we had, but I cannot cope anymore with the physical and mental challenge marching throws at me! My mind has spent most of the last week in fast forward. Racing way way too fast for me to keep up and then we get locked down with a gun man on the loose….. terror takes over my mind and I stress. No I didn’t have a panic attack, but it got the better of me and I just wanted to go home 😭. I needed everyone that I love and I felt so far from them (apart from Nonie). 24 hours earlier we were right by the first mosque….. what if it happened then? So then less sleep than before again! Back to the start…..
I know I sound like a broken record or someone looking for a reaction, but trust me I’ve just wanted the earth to open up and swallow me (or maybe the Pac-Man lol). To top off everything and make me more emotional that time of the month came after not having it for I don’t know how long and that set me back 10,000 miles! Then my hat had to fall off in the most important march of the season – how embarrassing is all I could say! But hey – it’s over now and I’m home and I just hope that my head gets stronger to go back for more….. thank you to everyone who helped me through the past week and I know this doesn’t make a lot of sense but I needed to release 😊