Ok so I know I haven’t updated for a bit but that’s cause it’s been busy and I’ve been relatively steady! Yea I’ve had a few ups and downs and moments I wish I could edit, but generally I’ve been ok…. We had that busy couple of weeks recently with my family and birthdays – two of them being very special ones. This means there was a lot going on and boy did I and my body suffer for it! My head has been all over the place and confused by going ons, but after a couple of days rest I felt like I was slowly starting to pick up again!
It’s really interesting how my head gets affected when there’s lots going on! I’m certainly not clear in my thinking and what other people say and do influence my mind! I find this hard as I’ve always been a clear thinker and I’ve always been able to make decisions, but since this I have not made some great decisions and been too influenced by others! It’s scary really and I almost feel as though my brain is not part of me anymore! So many things I would never normally do or say happen, just because 🙄. It drives me insane and hurts me, especially when I hurt others and make decisions that aren’t so good! I then live a life full of regrets and sadness and I wish I could rewind and delete! I swear things don’t happen cause I want them too! Why can’t things just be good for me? Why can’t it all just work out?
A medical professional that I’ve become very fond of even had to put up with my tears, but I genuinely felt supported by her as she teared up and told me she was there for me and just a phone call away if I needed someone to talk too….. I know I do a good job of hiding my feelings, but sometimes I need to talk and if everyone is busy this is when I go into turmoil! The beach is my safe place and even though it scares the hell out of mum when I go driving and thinking on my own for hours on end, I know that I’ll be ok again soon and I just sometimes need to be alone! Some of you would actually not believe what I’ve done on my own as I can’t 😳.
Once or twice I’ve contemplated bad thoughts, but truth is I still have so many people in my life I want to be around for! Yes it is still early stages with me and I am learning everyday how to get out of this hole! Unfortunately I have noticed a bit of a pattern around when things seem to get worse for me and of course it’s when I’m in my most vulnerable state one or two days in a month….. maybe I should just lock myself away these days and not communicate with anyone in anyway 😳. I’m starting to think this is what I need to do! I almost need a special place to disappear to at this time 🤔.
I’ve had a few mild panic attacks that I’ve managed to use my grounding and breathing to get through, but I’ve had some weird leg shaking, moments of breathlessness, been passing out and issues with my head when I’m in different places, tired or doing too much lately too! It’s really hard to explain, but I understand why it’s happening most of the time! I think I need a medic alert bracelet so people know I am a risk in the community as I never know when this might happen! In all seriousness though – should this be an option? Or will this give me a label?
I’ve considered a few different options of late too – one being going on a retreat to get better! $24,000 is a bit beyond me though for a three week journey. Another one was like $4,500 but it sounded a bit creepy 😧. I will just have to see what happens! Why can’t things be easy, affordable and accessible when you need them to be. Just a nice quiet space away from everyone and everything is sometimes just what I need! A place where I can think, relax and rest up! I’ve also thought about doing some study to give me another direction 💭. Well it’s more like pursuing a hobby that I love a lot! A bit of cost to start up but I’m gonna try to make it happen – life is too short to not take some chances! I’ll keep you all posted on that one. Anyway I hope you’re all good and living each day to the max 😘
So I’ve successfully made it through another week on top of my game! I had a very minor hiccup but that was just due to tiredness and having lots going on this week! Everything seems to be so on the up again which is fantastic and I feel amazing because of it! I’m learning to understand when panic attacks are gonna happen and am using lots of techniques to work my way through them! I mean hell I’ve just got home from a huge day at club rugby finals, surrounded by LOTS of people (mostly strangers) and felt extremely nervous watching my boy, but used my techniques (mainly breathing and grounding) and felt on top of things all day 😊🎉. I’ve also had birthday afternoon tea, tea and lunch with Dad, Leonie, family and friends and coped so well during the past couple of days! Long may it continue.
At times I’ve done a lot of thinking back again this week….. What made me feel so low? How did this happen to me? I know I’ve done a few things that weren’t so good in my time, but hey don’t we all do things we regret? So how come I deserved to be faced with this obstacle/challenge in my life just when things were opening up for me and being quite positive! Reflecting back makes me sad, but also makes me realise that I am progressing lots everyday, I’m just still struggling a little to find my new path or the direction I need/want to head in next! I know this will happen when the timing is right of course and until then I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and attempting things that are now sometimes way out of my comfort zone and one day I’ll be able to say ‘mission accomplished’…… Honestly though I’m finding it hard to make my next move! I see a couple of things I’d like to happen for me, but how will I make this happen? Do I take the plunge and see if I float or sink or do I just keep things status quo and wait it out? Either way I hope I stay on top of my game!
A song that’s made me think a lot this week is The Climb by Miley Cyrus. It’s where I’m at currently and I just need to remember that life is a climb but the view can be great 😊. Over and out for another positive week!!!!! https://youtu.be/NG2zyeVRcbs
This week has been pretty good for me and I guess it’s showed as I was told I had a glow about me that hadn’t been seen for a long time 😊 – 🤞this continues. I’ve done a lot of thinking, mostly positive to help me turn things around. It helps that I’ve had a lovely week with almost all of my special people around me at some point. I seriously still do not think they know how much their influence and presence has on my life and the way I feel. If they make me laugh, feel happy, at ease and comfortable then everything is ok in my world and running like clockwork – you all know who you are so know that you rock my world and keep me wanting to be around! It’s taken me a long time to realise, but I can honestly say I now know who I want in my life and who/what makes me happy! I love you guys so much and cherish every moment we share 😘😍.
I’m feeling 98% on top of things this week and contemplating my next move, but this is with very careful consideration as I don’t want to go backwards and end up back at the beginning AGAIN! Life is too short to sweat the small stuff and I just want normality NOW.
This week while having a discussion with a medical professional I realised that a lot of people don’t get what people with anxiety and/or depression go through….. It’s a constant battle with the mind a lot of the time and it can be VERY exhausting (that’s why some days are stay in bed days). She explained to me how she told a friend of hers – “imagine something you really hate doing like public speaking, well that’s how living with anxiety feels every day.” I couldn’t agree more!!!! The constant inner demons you’re battling in your head about whether or not you should say/do something? What if what I’m thinking is not true? Or on a real bad day – Would I be missed if I wasn’t around? All I can say is your mental well-being certainly affects your physical health.
So for now I want everyone to know I’m happy and striving to feel better using whatever methods I need…. Hey I’ve even been looking at returning to some work! I find writing this and talking to people a great tool and I believe this is helping more of us to understand mental illness and support each other through the hard times. The more it is put out there and talked about the better it is understood (and I know not everyone will get it, but sometimes just a simple hi how are you is all that’s needed, or a reply to a conversation). Check in on those you love and tell them how you feel cause you never know what the inside of a person is doing even behind the biggest smile 😊. You also never know what someone is feeling unless you ask or tell them (or someone else makes a comment that surprises you in a good way). Hell there are a shitload of people I’ve always thought were fine on the outside, but know they aren’t or haven’t been at a point in their life on the inside! This medical professional also said don’t push yourself, which is great advice but hard when you need to earn a living to keep on top of things!
While thinking I often used to listen to John Kirwan talk about mental illness and think ‘freaking out’ is that even a thing! Well yes it is and I hate this happening in front of my loved ones and to think he had to deal with it in front of most of the country and at times the world 🙄. As I’ve mentioned before I still get a little like this in big crowds or with a lot of people I don’t know particularly well or sometimes if I’m tired or overstimulated- shit my brain has that happen a lot! Driving Dad to the bank the other day and he says why didn’t you take that park? Shit Dad I forgot what I was doing for a minute, I’ll just go around the block 🙄. I guess the boys would say I have a few cows missing in the top paddock and my response to that would be well done (private joke but creating a lot of laughs this week). Anyway here’s to more positives and sharing our feelings and thoughts with those closest to us…. Have a great weekend 😘