Month: May 2018

Okay so this week has produced probably one of my most personal pieces of writing yet…. Parts of this has been hard to write and contains information I don’t think I’ve talked to anyone about – not even my counsellor, but I guess my mind is finally ready to share this stuff that I feel and think about daily…..

This week has been quite overwhelming for me for a number of reasons! I had my first marching gathering of the season and it’s fair to say I was a little disappointed and deflated with where that left me, but I know I’ll get there and be inspired to get back on the horse again! I just felt let down by myself and this is what makes it hard – one minute I feel on top of things and the next I’m at the bottom of the heap. I felt so down I wasn’t sure what I wanted to happen next!!!! Anyway Sunday night cue DWTSNZ! 

Those of you that know me well know I absolutely LOVE watching dancing with the stars 🤩. I passionately watch it and get so involved! So this lead me to follow a lot of the celebrities and dancers on Facebook and Instagram. I have become a very interested follower of Suzy Cato partly due to her charity (The Mental Health Foundation), but also because of the inspiration she gives me in her stories…. she lets me know it’s ok to be who I am and have the problems I have and that I am not alone in dealing with this! 

Anyway her story on Sunday really hit a cord with me (I’m not even sure what it was about now), but I sent her a message to let her know I appreciated what she was doing for the cause and all of us dealing with mental health issues. It was very overwhelming in a positive way to get a personal response from her not once but twice and real heart felt too! She is a huge inspiration to me, especially since she has similar passions to me in working with children etc… so in short if you watch DWTSNZ remember to vote for Suzy on 3333 – not only an inspiration to me but someone who is supporting mental health in NZ. 

Anyway cue the rest of the week – Monday was a very low day and an I can’t even surface type of day – the first one I’ve had in more than a week! Tuesday was to start with another Access Bars session – I can’t say enough about how much this is helping me and making me feel different in a good way! Just yell out Taranaki people if you want contact details for a session right in your own home. Tuesday finished with a very generous offer of an amazing holiday from someone very special to me 😊. This is just what the doctor ordered I think! A break away from everything would be amazing – yes I know I’ve been pretty spoilt and had the most fantastic holiday almost a year ago but since I’ve been sick I haven’t been far at all….. anyway I’m still thinking on this as I am not much of a taker and more of a giver (as a lot of you will know) and struggle to accept people wanting to help me out! 

This I believe is a hard one for me as my whole life I’ve always put others and things ahead of myself and the happiness I sometimes need. Most of you would say but you’re successful, own your own home and have an amazing family – all of which is/was very true, but there are some pieces missing from my puzzle! I guess this is all part of this journey for me and the next paths I need to head down in my life! I sometimes feel very lonely and like I’m an extra to some around me…. I just like different people to talk to and a change of scenery sometimes and that’s when I find myself feeling almost like a third wheel and not needed or wanted and like I’ve done something wrong to hurt or upset those around me!!! I guess it’s only the little voices in my head telling me this most of the time, but the feeling can weigh me down or make me seem as though I’m treading water and almost ready to sink! I do not wish this feeling upon anyone. It’s horrible like that feeling you get when someone doesn’t know you’re around and is talking about you…. you pretend you don’t notice anything and carry on with your head held as high as you can! Seriously though all I can say is if you want me in your life let me be in it and if you don’t just tell me, it’s easier than my head trying to figure it all out! 

Anyway enough of that – cue the rest of the week with lots of cleaning, fun and laughter with some truly awesome people….. I’m loving getting sorted for our netball teams footy show act next weekend and yes it’s like a gala march – omg how exciting!!!!!! I also got to spend a day with one of my truly amazing people  who has always checked in on me and helped me through some tough times…. Catching up on life with her and later on another friend too was so cool and it was great to have a giggle and think back to some funny things we’ve done over the past few years! It was great that we still had an ‘abort mission’ moment today too lol 😜. A highlight was visiting the SPCA and seeing the animals – so therapeutic – oh how I’d love a kitten 😩. Anyway much love to you all and don’t forget to vote for Suzy 3333.

This past week has been a little different for me. Apart from me dealing with all the normal drama of working my life out, I’ve got to experience something a little bit alternative, which is hopefully the start of something wonderful for me. On Monday I had my first Access Bars treatment and wow for anyone that doesn’t know about this I suggest you research it and look into having it done. I could feel my body tingling as the treatment was happening and then I had the best sleep I’d had in almost a year! This in turn meant I woke up feeling so good and ready to do things – FINALLY! I know this is just the first treatment but I look forward to seeing what else this can do for me. 

I felt so good I even got in and participated at netball training this week and ok I didn’t do huge amounts but I still moved a lot more freely with my knee that’s been pretty bad and I actually was enjoying myself while silently (or not so silently at times) dying lol! It showed that my head was a lot less fogged and I was physically feeling better…. all this after doing washing and baking too, which would normally take it all out of me. This has continued all week too. I’ve got up out of bed every single day this week and done stuff. My brain has just functioned so much better and even though my week has still had highs, lows, worry and at times anxiety I have felt better in myself and a lot clearer in my mind about decisions I’m making….. hell I’ve even applied for a part time job – completely out of my comfort zone but worth a try! Don’t know that they will even look at me but still a wee bit exciting that I felt good enough to send my CV. Maybe something different is what I need to do!!!! 

One other thing that has got me thinking a bit this week was when I got a few weird looks for saying I’d be sober driver at a gathering. Truth is I want to get better as quickly as I can – so I have been ‘sticking to the rules’ so to speak. One part of taking my medication is no alcohol. As most of you know I’ve never been a big drinker but there are times I do feel like one or more. This is a bit of a laugh for all you marching girls as I’m no longer MA (marchaholic anonymous) – I already fell off that wagon but I am now AA – 5 full months (146 days) without a drop. The funniest thing with this was when one of my sisters discussed alcohol in the car and got put in her place by our baby saying I think you’re mean talking about this in front of Aunty. It was a real lol moment but shows she cares and thinks of me. Anyway just thought I’d share that as just about everything in my life has had to change or still in the process of changing and not being able to chose if I want to have drink or not almost feels like my independence has been taken away. One positive for all of you though that live around here – I’m always available to sober drive, so ring me/book me I love doing this 😍 – Uber Mel all the way 😉. P.S. I still want to be at functions when I can and love having a laugh at/with everyone else. 

Anyway I hope you’ve all had a top week and find something to take away from this piece of writing. Thank you for all the messages of support and for wanting to talk about your experiences with me! That’s what this is all about helping each other and understanding where we are at in life – thank you ☺️ 

I don’t know how often you’re meant to do these blogs and I promise I won’t bombard you all with them but these past few days I’ve been thinking back to the very beginning of this journey and how hard it was having to tell those closest to me. This was scary and disappointing all at the same time. You feel like a failure but know deep down they got you and will support you no matter what. The amount of times I tried to talk to the youngsters in the family but couldn’t deal with it at the time showed this. Still to this day I have moments when I feel like a failure and like I’m letting people down. 

While out walking and talking with our baby one day early on she said to me Aunty you don’t look like someone with depression…. I of course asked what should I look like? She then showed me a slumped body slowly moving around which of course made me slightly anxious as this is not me most of the time but I know it could be someone else. Am I meant to look like this? Will I be judged for still trying to wear a smile through the hardest times? I think there’s way too much judgement in the world and just because you don’t look all slumped over doesn’t mean you’re not battling some of the hardest times of your life. Nobody knows the silent battles that go on in your head. How do I overcome this you ask – simple “laughter is often the best medicine” they say and there are a lot of people in my life that have helped me to laugh during these times! 

Another thing I’ve struggled with is not being able to go out and be around too many people. I’ve always loved being with others and having a laugh, but some days this can be harder than others. Back at the start I went to the CD cricket game with a couple of my nearest and dearest. Those that know me well know I love going to cricket, but not this day….. I ended up only watching a bit and instead walking through the park and sitting on a park bench absolutely beside myself texting my other loved ones to get through this moment. Not one person that passed me on the bench knew I was struggling as I still managed a smile and a hi, even though it was hard. I was finally driven home too exhausted and upset to do anything or even care about the cricket. 

On another occasion I headed to watch the boy play touch and when I got there I was shaking too much to even get out of the car and that was even with two of my people there to sit with as well. This night progressively got worse too as I found myself in the car at the beach (not even sure how I got there) absolutely inconsolable and reaching out for help. Thankfully I was saved by three of those closest to me that night and they took me home and left me feeling supported on this journey, even if I was embarrassed by what had just happened. I do not think they know how grateful I am to have such amazing people in my life and I don’t think they know how much I appreciate them. They say family is important and they really do not understand just how important they all are to me during this journey. Hearing the three simple words “I’m always here” is so fulfilling for me. 

I have hidden this for so long, not knowing what people will say and think, but I have  pretty quickly discovered who is here to support me and who doesn’t understand that anything I’ve done that they didn’t like about me probably was because of my illness. Life is so up and down with this – one minute you’re falling apart, the next minute you’ve got this and see light at the end of the tunnel. Honestly it’s an experience I don’t wish upon anyone and to think back to past experiences and wonder was this the cause of my problems then too is not easy! I think maybe it was and I’ve been living with this longer than I knew. So please know I am me but sometimes not always the ‘normal me’. Also thank you to everyone for the feedback it’s so great to know I am not alone on this journey and we can all support each other 😊. 

With my recent ongoing battle with depression and anxiety and my passion for writing I thought it was time to put it out there and discuss my personal issues with the world to let everyone know that you are not alone if you are one of those suffering….. 

I am now four months into my journey and believe me not one part of this has been easy for me. Everyday I have learnt more about myself and the ones that continue to support and inspire me and those that simply don’t care. I have learnt how to live with a head full of voices that make it hard for me to sleep and that some days I just can’t face the world.

I chose to give up my job – which was the single utmost hardest thing I’ve done in my life, but so many people told me I needed to do what was right for me and that I simply need to get better! I know at the time this was the right thing to do and the only way to dig myself out of this hole I was falling into deeper and deeper.

The medication has been a constant struggle and to even get the dosage right for starters. 20mg, then 30mg and feeling better, back to 20mg and back to where I started, fighting a constant battle with my brain and being full of anxiety. Trying to start a new job and totally falling apart due to not being ready and my body not coping with the changes! Sometimes the world just feels like it’s crashing down around me and nothing will ever be right again.

Finally after a week of taking 40mg I’m starting to feel a bit better and a hang of a lot less anxious. Still a long way to go but getting back on top of my game and wanting to get back out in the world and be brave. Im ready to get back on the bike as they say and go for my walks and go swimming and even get back into my marching – all passions to help me relax and get some clarity – hopefully! Reading has also been something I’ve done to relax and refocus….. 

I’m not sure exactly how long I’ve been living with this but I know for sure that’s it’s good to finally know and understand and listen to my head and body and simply just take some time for me and to get back to being the real me!!!! 

Anyway if you’re reading this I hope you can take something from it, even if it’s understanding or just knowing that you’re not alone. I want to keep you posted with where I’m at and things I’ve done that have worked and not worked for me. 

#37andsingle #livingaconstantbattle #thingsareslowlylookingbrighter  #wanttosupportandinspireothers