I don’t know how often you’re meant to do these blogs and I promise I won’t bombard you all with them but these past few days I’ve been thinking back to the very beginning of this journey and how hard it was having to tell those closest to me. This was scary and disappointing all at the same time. You feel like a failure but know deep down they got you and will support you no matter what. The amount of times I tried to talk to the youngsters in the family but couldn’t deal with it at the time showed this. Still to this day I have moments when I feel like a failure and like I’m letting people down.
While out walking and talking with our baby one day early on she said to me Aunty you don’t look like someone with depression…. I of course asked what should I look like? She then showed me a slumped body slowly moving around which of course made me slightly anxious as this is not me most of the time but I know it could be someone else. Am I meant to look like this? Will I be judged for still trying to wear a smile through the hardest times? I think there’s way too much judgement in the world and just because you don’t look all slumped over doesn’t mean you’re not battling some of the hardest times of your life. Nobody knows the silent battles that go on in your head. How do I overcome this you ask – simple “laughter is often the best medicine” they say and there are a lot of people in my life that have helped me to laugh during these times!
Another thing I’ve struggled with is not being able to go out and be around too many people. I’ve always loved being with others and having a laugh, but some days this can be harder than others. Back at the start I went to the CD cricket game with a couple of my nearest and dearest. Those that know me well know I love going to cricket, but not this day….. I ended up only watching a bit and instead walking through the park and sitting on a park bench absolutely beside myself texting my other loved ones to get through this moment. Not one person that passed me on the bench knew I was struggling as I still managed a smile and a hi, even though it was hard. I was finally driven home too exhausted and upset to do anything or even care about the cricket.
On another occasion I headed to watch the boy play touch and when I got there I was shaking too much to even get out of the car and that was even with two of my people there to sit with as well. This night progressively got worse too as I found myself in the car at the beach (not even sure how I got there) absolutely inconsolable and reaching out for help. Thankfully I was saved by three of those closest to me that night and they took me home and left me feeling supported on this journey, even if I was embarrassed by what had just happened. I do not think they know how grateful I am to have such amazing people in my life and I don’t think they know how much I appreciate them. They say family is important and they really do not understand just how important they all are to me during this journey. Hearing the three simple words “I’m always here” is so fulfilling for me.
I have hidden this for so long, not knowing what people will say and think, but I have pretty quickly discovered who is here to support me and who doesn’t understand that anything I’ve done that they didn’t like about me probably was because of my illness. Life is so up and down with this – one minute you’re falling apart, the next minute you’ve got this and see light at the end of the tunnel. Honestly it’s an experience I don’t wish upon anyone and to think back to past experiences and wonder was this the cause of my problems then too is not easy! I think maybe it was and I’ve been living with this longer than I knew. So please know I am me but sometimes not always the ‘normal me’. Also thank you to everyone for the feedback it’s so great to know I am not alone on this journey and we can all support each other 😊.