Today has just been one of those days…… I’ve managed to hold myself together well most of the day, but I did have a ‘waaa’ not long before I finished work, for whatever reason I don’t know as it wasn’t about anything specifically to do with work at all…. I’ve just been feeling LONELY and confused on and off for the whole week to be honest! I don’t know what it is, but I’ve tried hard to not feel out of the loop. I have had that feeling that people are talking about me and that there’s whispering and when I walk into a room it stops! It make me so anxious and paranoid. Maybe it is happening, but then I see no reason for it to be! I have done nothing wrong that I know of and am pretty on top of most things currently! (Well at least I thought I was).
I guess feeling tired hasn’t helped matters and possibly the fact that I have had a couple of pretty full on weeks! I know in my heart of heart I’m doing the best I can and sometimes I guess my best will NEVER be good enough, but I also know that I try to do whatever I can for others, but sometimes I just can’t do some things! I try and want to but just can’t! These are the moments in life that leave me in a state and make my stomach knot up, my heart race and my mind go fussy!
I want my life to be normal again and I want all the negatives in my mind and with my body to STOP! Let me be the person I want to be and need to be! I just feel like the world has no compassion and everyone is in life for themselves and as I said the other day just ask from time to time are you ok? Do you need a hug? Remember who is there for you when you need them and return the favour! I hope these feelings pass soon – otherwise I’m gonna need a lot of hugs 🤗
Please note: this is not directed at anyone and is not about work for those that are wondering – it is about my life this week and my thoughts – it’s generalised! There’s just so many things I wish I could still do without my stupid head confusing things….. I also want to stop having that feeling of loneliness, especially since I know I shouldn’t have it!
So I thought since it is suicide prevention day, it’s great to reflect and reminisce about how far I have come in the past couple of years. I mean I personally have never tried to do anything to harm myself, but I cannot say that the thought never crossed my mind. Therefore I absolutely understand how your head can be so messed up that you don’t know what you’re doing and just think no one cares, wants to help or even know what is going on. Being in a bad place is not easy for anyone, but being in such a deep dark hole that you think you can’t EVER get out of is total torture.
I know that there is still such a huge stigma about mental health in our country, even though it’s starting to get a bit more understood, but statistics show that more people died from suicide in New Zealand this past year than on our roads (and look at the ad campaigns pushing us to wear seatbelts, drive slow and not drink and drive). Yes there are advertisements for mental health, but at the end of the day all you want is to be loved and cared for from all your support network.
If someone you love reaches out for love, show them how much you care! Don’t let them keep trucking on thinking they are a hindrance and not important to you. All I ever wanted was my family and friends to be with me and do the things I love! I needed time and space and sometimes I still do. Sometimes we just need somewhere quiet to sit and reflect, but it’s important to know that someone cares enough to know where you are and to let you know you’re there if needed.
I still get overwhelmed when there are lots of people around, particularly all talking at once and sometimes I can’t deal with too many things in one day. I still get VERY tired and my body gets stressed and hurts, but I am doing a lot better at handling myself. Trust me you know when I’m tired or have had enough by my little outbursts, which might I add I do not always have control over. Yes I’m back working full time, but I am also learning my limits and towards the end of the week I start getting pretty stuffed, but I try to listen to my body and think about what is right for me to do!
Anyway in short I ask you all this – PLEASE check in with each other and ask ‘are you ok’ if you think you need too. Be there for your friends, family and loved ones! Let them know you care and love them, don’t give them reason to believe you don’t want to be around, especially those that are struggling. Talk to them when they talk to you and offer an ear or shoulder when it’s needed. BE THERE AND SHOW YOU CARE! Let your loved ones know they’re worth it. Let’s kick suicide in the butt and prevent it as much as we can.
Loads of love to all of you who have helped me on this journey xxxx