The current state of life…..

So after writing the poem I need to put into words these past few months. This seems to be a way I cope with stuff.

Well what can I say? Where do I actually start? I thought I’d been through the worst in my life, but I guess not! It’s been a very long and emotionally painful 6 months. I mean nothing actually truly prepares us for what’s to come as adults and especially when it’s kind of out of the blue…… I mean my Dad was 84 years old and some would say he had lived a full life and yes that’s true but I was NEVER expecting him to be gone within 3 months of when he started being a bit unwell.

We were celebrating Mum and Dad’s 60th wedding anniversary 🎂 🎉 when dad first showed signs of not being 100%, so it was labour weekend. He was still happy, healthy, laughing and joking with us.

After having a sore back, suspected chest infected and spending a couple of days in bed – which he seldom did in his whole life, I got a little concerned. I suggested we call the ambulance 🚑 . Thankfully that night in ED the very young dr was extremely thorough 🙏. He was admitted for a few days and sent home to us his beautiful home care nurses and he was doing ok. Next minute a phone call to take him back into hospital and a cancer diagnosis 😱🥲. Scary stuff but straight onto treatment.

Anyway long story short he’s in hospital 🏥 when we are to go to north island marching champs in Wellington. A SUPER HARD decision to leave Mum at home and Dad in hospital while we take our teams to compete. Am I letting down the family if I go but am I letting down the teams if I don’t? Hard hard decisions for me who has always been a huge family first always person 🥲. Anyway it worked out with a few sleepless nights and stressful moments and we get home and into the chemo routine weekly.

Things seem to be progressing ok and dr is happy but dad just not himself. We had a tough Christmas 🎄 knowing he wasn’t that good. Anyway it’s mid January and I’m so worried about him the ambulance 🚑 is called again. Who knew at that stage that Friday the 13th of January would be the last time dad stepped foot in our place 🏡 . Things spiralled downwards from that day and yes I have some lovely lasting memories of him right up until the very end but no one said it would be easy going forward and it’s definitely not.

I know I’ve grieved a lot and I know my mind 🤯has been in such a bad place but I honestly didn’t think I’d feel this bad. Nothing and I mean NOTHING prepares you for loosing a parent no matter how old or young they are or you for that matter. Since labour weekend my mind has never been in a good place. I’ve tried to be ok, I’ve tried to keep the peace and my inner peace and make people happy however I can. I’ve even tried to carry on but nothing is working!!!!! It’s truly a somewhat lonely and hurtful struggle I never wanted to face in this lifetime 💔. 

I love and miss my dad so so much and even though I want to carry on and make him proud it truly is a struggle and truthfully I have been since since he got sick. My brain does not cope with life decisions or everything I want to do. I can’t get the mind and body to cooperate at all. It’s hard and at times very dark but I know it will get easier one day 🙏. 

No one quite knows or understands how I feel at the moment. There’s so many things happening inside my head and with or to my body that I can’t control. So many questions ❓ I want answered and so many things I simply don’t understand. My heart is smashed into a million pieces 💔 and I’m not sure what’s around that next corner. Sometimes I struggle to breathe but remember him willing me along, telling me you will be ok, everything will work out! Just because I’ve been coasting along nicely for a bit is it expected I will be absolutely fine dealing with this? Cause mate I tell you that’s not the case!

Love you my Dad and I will always keep you tucked in my heart ❤️. I’m not sure how proud you’d be of me atm but I promise I will get back there soon 🤗🥰. I just wish others understood how hard it is for me to deal with this pain. Thanks to those that have stood by me and offered me your strength it doesn’t go unnoticed 🙏. Sometimes it comes from those you least expect. I just hope my brokenness makes me stronger and helps me blossom soon 🙏 and this helps others to understand how hard it is when your head isn’t straight and you’re emotionally drained.