Life is full of struggles

This week has been pretty good for me and I guess it’s showed as I was told I had a glow about me that hadn’t been seen for a long time 😊 – 🤞this continues. I’ve done a lot of thinking, mostly positive to help me turn things around. It helps that I’ve had a lovely week with almost all of my special people around me at some point. I seriously still do not think they know how much their influence and presence has on my life and the way I feel. If they make me laugh, feel happy, at ease and comfortable then everything is ok in my world and running like clockwork – you all know who you are so know that you rock my world and keep me wanting to be around! It’s taken me a long time to realise, but I can honestly say I now know who I want in my life and who/what makes me happy! I love you guys so much  and cherish every moment we share 😘😍.

I’m feeling 98% on top of things this week and contemplating my next move, but this is with very careful consideration as I don’t want to go backwards and end up back at the beginning AGAIN! Life is too short to sweat the small stuff and I just want normality NOW.

This week while having a discussion with a medical professional I realised that a lot of people don’t get what people with anxiety and/or depression go through….. It’s a constant battle with the mind a lot of the time and it can be VERY exhausting (that’s why some days are stay in bed days). She explained to me how she told a friend of hers – “imagine something you really hate doing like public speaking, well that’s how living with anxiety feels every day.” I couldn’t agree more!!!! The constant inner demons you’re battling in your head about whether or not you should say/do something? What if what I’m thinking is not true? Or on a real bad day – Would I be missed if I wasn’t around? All I can say is your mental well-being certainly affects your physical health.

So for now I want everyone to know I’m happy and striving to feel better using whatever methods I need…. Hey I’ve even been looking at returning to some work! I find writing this and talking to people a great tool and I believe this is helping more of us to understand mental illness and support each other through the hard times. The more it is put out there and talked about the better it is understood (and I know not everyone will get it, but sometimes just a simple hi how are you is all that’s needed, or a reply to a conversation). Check in on those you love and tell them how you feel cause you never know what the inside of a person is doing even behind the biggest smile 😊. You also never know what someone is feeling unless you ask or tell them (or someone else makes a comment that surprises you in a good way). Hell there are a shitload of people I’ve always thought were fine on the outside, but know they aren’t or haven’t been at a point in their life on the inside! This medical professional also said don’t push yourself, which is great advice but hard when you need to earn a living to keep on top of things! 

While thinking I often used to listen to John Kirwan talk about mental illness and think ‘freaking out’ is that even a thing! Well yes it is and I hate this happening in front of my loved ones and to think he had to deal with it in front of most of the country and at times the world 🙄. As I’ve mentioned before I still get a little like this in big crowds or with a lot of people I don’t know particularly well or sometimes if I’m tired or overstimulated- shit my brain has that happen a lot! Driving Dad to the bank the other day and he says why didn’t you take that park? Shit Dad I forgot what I was doing for a minute, I’ll just go around the block 🙄.  I guess the boys would say I have a few cows missing in the top paddock and my response to that would be well done (private joke but creating a lot of laughs this week). Anyway here’s to more positives and sharing our feelings and thoughts with those closest to us…. Have a great weekend 😘

So this week I finally got some answers re my current health situation….. Last week I asked was my holiday my undoing? Why I asked this is because when I got home from my holiday most of you will know I ended up very sick in bed for three weeks. It was said I had bronchitis/laryngitis/flu. However this week I discovered that a couple of months ago or maybe even longer (who knows, maybe way back then) I become MRSA positive or contracted the super bug! This means my body is resistant to a lot of the normal medications used to treat infections. Hence why maybe three rounds of antibiotics later from this above illness I still felt pretty crappy and really started going downhill from there! It also turns out to be the cause of the endless amount of boils/abscesses I’ve had and needed to go to ED and my Dr and nurse to be healed. My whole immunity is just run down, but now my doctor is pretty sure she is going to get it under control! Hallelujah with a lot of luck I might get right yet and it won’t come soon enough for me 🙄.

How I contracted this is uncertain, but it’s good to finally know and understand why things have been happening to my body and why my emotions have been so all over the place! Before you ask – no you won’t catch it from me – I know all the correct procedures to keep it away, but it’s still important for you to know and stay clean around me 😊. I carry sanistiser with me all the time now.  So it’s fair to say that with two massive boils under my arm (one severely infected/ulcerated and the other being cut, drained and packed) I’ve had a relatively quiet week. It hurts to drive (although I still do drive so I don’t go completely nuts) and do a lot of other chores, but I’m meant to be minimising the use of my arm for a few days for it to heal quicker…. As I always 🙄 do as I’m told (NOT) the tv has been a good friend – loving watching some very old and new series 😂. Totally recommend ‘The Waltons’ (a real oldie, but a great story – by the way the real Jimbob is an angel compared to the ones I know), love ‘The Resident’ and this week ‘Army Wives’ has been a popular choice from me! I’m open to suggestions however, as it doesn’t take me long to get hooked lol 😂. Anyone have any favourites/recommendations on Netflix or just boxed sets? It’s a great time to have the odd tv day/early night with the weather so cold too ❄️☃️

Thursday and Friday I’ve spent time with those I love the most and chilling on the farm sucking in the air – there’s nothing better in this world! My usual routine has still been the same and this weekend has a lot going on with netball, rugby and a family dinner to belatedly celebrate our beautiful and loving mother’s birthday. Also great to have our big girl home for a few days to catch up with. Even though I’ve had a lot of ups and downs this week, I feel as though I’ve learnt a lot about myself. A lot of things have upset me, but I’m learning to cope – I just wish everyone understood 😊. Anyway I hope you’ve all had a good week and I’m feeling positive for the coming weeks now I have a bit of an understanding and handle on myself…..

Au revoir

 

Sometimes the simple things in life are what is needed…… all last week I really wanted to have a swing and yes I finally did it! The fresh air, the sense of freedom and the pure joy it brought me – it just felt amazing, almost like I was 5 again! The only thing was the whole time I was thinking omg who is watching and what are they thinking – a grown woman at a children’s playground alone having a swing – in the words of my niece “what a creep.” Honestly though I don’t care – I know I’m not a creep and it’s what I needed to do for me and I’m sure I’ll be doing it again soon!!!!

Speaking of feeling 5 again – this week is one year since we jetted off across the world to LA, London, Paris, Edinburgh and San Francisco – all places I’ve dreamed of going, but never thought I would. Wow how I wish I was embarking on this journey again as greedy as that sounds! Some of the best and happiest days/memories of my life that I’ll always cherish and giggle about.

This holiday truly was a dream for me and there was not one part of it that I regretted! However I do sometimes wonder was this my undoing? Did I have too good a time and going back to reality was just too hard? I guess I’ll never know the answer to this, but I know for sure the experiences I had in these countries I will never ever forget! Travelling is definitely something I want to continue doing as there are still a lot of places in the world I want to explore, including going back to some of these places 😍. I’ve already had the offer of Melbourne and I’d love to holiday on the GC again as we were planning with the boys just last week! Oh man what a lot of fun we would have 😉.

Anyway this week has all been about reliving my holiday and dreaming of more. I’ve had a pretty quiet, at times lonely and low key week so it’s been nice to just reminisce. Sometimes this week have still been a little low and confusing for me, but I guess (well hope and pray) things will get back to what it was as I miss some of the antics I’ve had lately. I’ve also decided this week to share my journey with more of you, which is quite hard for me, but I truly trust those I invite to be on my journey. Also I’ve obviously added pics to this blog and most of my previous ones if you want to check them out. Again thank you for your feedback and reading and being a part of my journey! Here’s to a positive weekend and week ahead 😊. Love you all 😘

 

You ever had one of those uh oh moments when you allow something to happen and then realise crap I didn’t want that to be seen or noticed. A million different scenarios running through my over stimulated brain. I’ve had that this week and the realisation sent my mind into turmoil…. I haven’t had a panic attack in a long time, but this one was very severe. Every part of my body was violently shaking – probably didn’t help that I had hardly eaten or drunk all day too! I used my calming techniques and had some water and that somewhat helped me out of the worst of it and allowed me to get up and move on, but I know I upset a lot of people in the process 🙄. Getting others to understand how it can affect you so quickly I find hard to deal with! 

This whole week in fact has been an interesting one for me….. I have gone from being on the highest of highs last weekend, to the lowest of lows at times throughout the week! In my head everyone that I’ve wanted to talk too has been too busy to talk! Trust me I don’t reach out for help very often as I hate sounding needy or desperate (all of which I feel at the moment), but geez driving off a cliff or into a pole seemed like an option this week! Not reaching out is how I got here in the first place🙄, so you’d think I would have learnt but no!  However I realise I have so much more to live for and so many more adventures to be a part of and the good outweighs the bad mostly. 

“Sometimes people with depression can be clingy. Usually it’s because you make them feel after feeling numb for a long time” – author unknown. I found this quote and it kind of sums me up at the moment and how I’m feeling. Please know I’m not being clingy if I want to talk, my brain just knows the conversations I want and need to have! My brain wants/craves laughter for some reason – I guess it’s because I found it hard to laugh for a while! My brain also has to find out stuff to be quiet otherwise it doesn’t stop ticking, which in turns mean no sleeping! I’ve also had that numb feeling a few times this week after finally feeling again! It’s so weird to describe and makes me feel so lonely and out of control. 

This week I did some things I would never have done ever in my life and had the most fun I’ve had in ages….. I’m sure you would have all heard my laughter from the top of the hills on Sunday as I squealed in delight at the things that I was not in control of, but thoroughly enjoying….. it was so awesome to be relaxed and enjoying myself while being (as some would say) quite adventurous for me 😊. Who knows I could still become more adventurous yet too! It’s definitely the country air that helps to get everything clear and functioning again and puts your life into perspective! 

However after two fantastic days and getting back into normal routine I’ve felt lonely for contact with others since. Maybe I just overstimulated myself and it sent my brain off the rails! Too much communication with too many people? I don’t know 🤷‍♀️. I enjoyed myself that’s for sure but why am I now feeling so deflated, rejected and sad? These are the things that confuse me and I know I hide all this pretty well as not many even know if I’ve been upset, not even those closest to me, although I think a few do this week! Hopefully I get through this little hiccup and am out the other side soon – I probably will lay low for a bit though cause I know I’ve upset a lot of people and I hate doing that – so if you’re one I’m so sorry 😐. 

I start this week off by introducing my new baby Archie the kitten….. So yes he is the SPCA kitten I wanted and I think most of you have seen the pics. I got him last Friday and I honestly feel like a new mother. I mean I love him to bits, but he certainly keeps me on my toes lol. I’m a bit sleep deprived at times from him climbing on my face and head after not a lot of sleep and I now understand the feeling of not going to the bathroom in peace. A crying baby at the door is no fun 🙄. He also follows me everywhere, which is kind of cool 😊. Poor Archie has got better as the week has gone on though and he is pretty cute, so it makes you forget all the bad stuff! He is very loving and slowly getting to know his big sister Peaches. I’m glad I got him 😍. 

However these past couple of weeks I’ve really noticed how much my brain has slowed down. I don’t know if it’s from not working, the meds slowing me down or completely unrelated but it’s certainly a strange feeling. I’ve always had the best memory so to not remember what I was going to do or to not react quickly when things go wrong just doesn’t feel right to me! It makes me a bit upset at times and worries me. An example of this was at netball when one of the girls got badly injured. Normally I would help her and get an ice pack straight away but it took me a couple of minutes and a voice prompt from someone else to realise I should do this 😩. I felt so bad afterwards for not doing my job properly and I hope people understand. 

Another thing is I get tired or feel tired really quickly. This does not mean I sleep better though lol! It just means sometimes I find it hard to motivate myself to do things. This happens if I’ve had a big day or sometimes if I do a lot one day I can’t do much the next day. The other weekend I went to watch the girl play her netball, then the A team and then our team and I was so exhausted when I got home I couldn’t move out of the chair. It was also the day we had the few injuries in our game and I was kept quite busy. This night I had something else on and just couldn’t make it, even though I tried a few times to make the effort. This is such a struggle for me as I hate letting people down, especially those that have really checked in with me and talked sometimes when I’ve needed it the most. 

On Monday I spent time with family! Well some of them at different times of the day anyway. It was nice to just be in their company in a different environment. I also went for a ride over the back of the farm and breathed in the country air and that was good after being a bit down earlier in the day. When I was feeling sad Miss Poppy (Michelle’s dog) looked after me which was so cute and made me smile. It’s amazing how much animals know and understand – I certainly have a greater appreciation for them than ever before. Anyway I went for a ride into town with the boys – always entertaining, enjoyed playing cards (even if I wasn’t the winner which I hate – next time I’ll get you all!) and ended the day by being car pranked by the boys – a long standing tradition! I was  ‘bubble and squeaked’ as they put it (a dead mouse on my windscreen and probably another one somewhere else that I haven’t found yet) 🙄. I’m so glad we never had brothers but at least I always get a laugh – so thanks guys! 

My Saturday ended with a night out with my netball girls! We did a bit of a dance for the footy show and had our initiations/court session! Although there were times I really wanted a drink tonight I still didn’t and had a great time! Lots and lots of laughs and dancing! It was awesome so thank you all and great to end the week on a positive! Keep smiling everyone and know I’m always here if anyone needs to chat 😊 or anything! You are in this blog as you all mean something to me 😘.

Okay so this week has produced probably one of my most personal pieces of writing yet…. Parts of this has been hard to write and contains information I don’t think I’ve talked to anyone about – not even my counsellor, but I guess my mind is finally ready to share this stuff that I feel and think about daily…..

This week has been quite overwhelming for me for a number of reasons! I had my first marching gathering of the season and it’s fair to say I was a little disappointed and deflated with where that left me, but I know I’ll get there and be inspired to get back on the horse again! I just felt let down by myself and this is what makes it hard – one minute I feel on top of things and the next I’m at the bottom of the heap. I felt so down I wasn’t sure what I wanted to happen next!!!! Anyway Sunday night cue DWTSNZ! 

Those of you that know me well know I absolutely LOVE watching dancing with the stars 🤩. I passionately watch it and get so involved! So this lead me to follow a lot of the celebrities and dancers on Facebook and Instagram. I have become a very interested follower of Suzy Cato partly due to her charity (The Mental Health Foundation), but also because of the inspiration she gives me in her stories…. she lets me know it’s ok to be who I am and have the problems I have and that I am not alone in dealing with this! 

Anyway her story on Sunday really hit a cord with me (I’m not even sure what it was about now), but I sent her a message to let her know I appreciated what she was doing for the cause and all of us dealing with mental health issues. It was very overwhelming in a positive way to get a personal response from her not once but twice and real heart felt too! She is a huge inspiration to me, especially since she has similar passions to me in working with children etc… so in short if you watch DWTSNZ remember to vote for Suzy on 3333 – not only an inspiration to me but someone who is supporting mental health in NZ. 

Anyway cue the rest of the week – Monday was a very low day and an I can’t even surface type of day – the first one I’ve had in more than a week! Tuesday was to start with another Access Bars session – I can’t say enough about how much this is helping me and making me feel different in a good way! Just yell out Taranaki people if you want contact details for a session right in your own home. Tuesday finished with a very generous offer of an amazing holiday from someone very special to me 😊. This is just what the doctor ordered I think! A break away from everything would be amazing – yes I know I’ve been pretty spoilt and had the most fantastic holiday almost a year ago but since I’ve been sick I haven’t been far at all….. anyway I’m still thinking on this as I am not much of a taker and more of a giver (as a lot of you will know) and struggle to accept people wanting to help me out! 

This I believe is a hard one for me as my whole life I’ve always put others and things ahead of myself and the happiness I sometimes need. Most of you would say but you’re successful, own your own home and have an amazing family – all of which is/was very true, but there are some pieces missing from my puzzle! I guess this is all part of this journey for me and the next paths I need to head down in my life! I sometimes feel very lonely and like I’m an extra to some around me…. I just like different people to talk to and a change of scenery sometimes and that’s when I find myself feeling almost like a third wheel and not needed or wanted and like I’ve done something wrong to hurt or upset those around me!!! I guess it’s only the little voices in my head telling me this most of the time, but the feeling can weigh me down or make me seem as though I’m treading water and almost ready to sink! I do not wish this feeling upon anyone. It’s horrible like that feeling you get when someone doesn’t know you’re around and is talking about you…. you pretend you don’t notice anything and carry on with your head held as high as you can! Seriously though all I can say is if you want me in your life let me be in it and if you don’t just tell me, it’s easier than my head trying to figure it all out! 

Anyway enough of that – cue the rest of the week with lots of cleaning, fun and laughter with some truly awesome people….. I’m loving getting sorted for our netball teams footy show act next weekend and yes it’s like a gala march – omg how exciting!!!!!! I also got to spend a day with one of my truly amazing people  who has always checked in on me and helped me through some tough times…. Catching up on life with her and later on another friend too was so cool and it was great to have a giggle and think back to some funny things we’ve done over the past few years! It was great that we still had an ‘abort mission’ moment today too lol 😜. A highlight was visiting the SPCA and seeing the animals – so therapeutic – oh how I’d love a kitten 😩. Anyway much love to you all and don’t forget to vote for Suzy 3333.

This past week has been a little different for me. Apart from me dealing with all the normal drama of working my life out, I’ve got to experience something a little bit alternative, which is hopefully the start of something wonderful for me. On Monday I had my first Access Bars treatment and wow for anyone that doesn’t know about this I suggest you research it and look into having it done. I could feel my body tingling as the treatment was happening and then I had the best sleep I’d had in almost a year! This in turn meant I woke up feeling so good and ready to do things – FINALLY! I know this is just the first treatment but I look forward to seeing what else this can do for me. 

I felt so good I even got in and participated at netball training this week and ok I didn’t do huge amounts but I still moved a lot more freely with my knee that’s been pretty bad and I actually was enjoying myself while silently (or not so silently at times) dying lol! It showed that my head was a lot less fogged and I was physically feeling better…. all this after doing washing and baking too, which would normally take it all out of me. This has continued all week too. I’ve got up out of bed every single day this week and done stuff. My brain has just functioned so much better and even though my week has still had highs, lows, worry and at times anxiety I have felt better in myself and a lot clearer in my mind about decisions I’m making….. hell I’ve even applied for a part time job – completely out of my comfort zone but worth a try! Don’t know that they will even look at me but still a wee bit exciting that I felt good enough to send my CV. Maybe something different is what I need to do!!!! 

One other thing that has got me thinking a bit this week was when I got a few weird looks for saying I’d be sober driver at a gathering. Truth is I want to get better as quickly as I can – so I have been ‘sticking to the rules’ so to speak. One part of taking my medication is no alcohol. As most of you know I’ve never been a big drinker but there are times I do feel like one or more. This is a bit of a laugh for all you marching girls as I’m no longer MA (marchaholic anonymous) – I already fell off that wagon but I am now AA – 5 full months (146 days) without a drop. The funniest thing with this was when one of my sisters discussed alcohol in the car and got put in her place by our baby saying I think you’re mean talking about this in front of Aunty. It was a real lol moment but shows she cares and thinks of me. Anyway just thought I’d share that as just about everything in my life has had to change or still in the process of changing and not being able to chose if I want to have drink or not almost feels like my independence has been taken away. One positive for all of you though that live around here – I’m always available to sober drive, so ring me/book me I love doing this 😍 – Uber Mel all the way 😉. P.S. I still want to be at functions when I can and love having a laugh at/with everyone else. 

Anyway I hope you’ve all had a top week and find something to take away from this piece of writing. Thank you for all the messages of support and for wanting to talk about your experiences with me! That’s what this is all about helping each other and understanding where we are at in life – thank you ☺️ 

I don’t know how often you’re meant to do these blogs and I promise I won’t bombard you all with them but these past few days I’ve been thinking back to the very beginning of this journey and how hard it was having to tell those closest to me. This was scary and disappointing all at the same time. You feel like a failure but know deep down they got you and will support you no matter what. The amount of times I tried to talk to the youngsters in the family but couldn’t deal with it at the time showed this. Still to this day I have moments when I feel like a failure and like I’m letting people down. 

While out walking and talking with our baby one day early on she said to me Aunty you don’t look like someone with depression…. I of course asked what should I look like? She then showed me a slumped body slowly moving around which of course made me slightly anxious as this is not me most of the time but I know it could be someone else. Am I meant to look like this? Will I be judged for still trying to wear a smile through the hardest times? I think there’s way too much judgement in the world and just because you don’t look all slumped over doesn’t mean you’re not battling some of the hardest times of your life. Nobody knows the silent battles that go on in your head. How do I overcome this you ask – simple “laughter is often the best medicine” they say and there are a lot of people in my life that have helped me to laugh during these times! 

Another thing I’ve struggled with is not being able to go out and be around too many people. I’ve always loved being with others and having a laugh, but some days this can be harder than others. Back at the start I went to the CD cricket game with a couple of my nearest and dearest. Those that know me well know I love going to cricket, but not this day….. I ended up only watching a bit and instead walking through the park and sitting on a park bench absolutely beside myself texting my other loved ones to get through this moment. Not one person that passed me on the bench knew I was struggling as I still managed a smile and a hi, even though it was hard. I was finally driven home too exhausted and upset to do anything or even care about the cricket. 

On another occasion I headed to watch the boy play touch and when I got there I was shaking too much to even get out of the car and that was even with two of my people there to sit with as well. This night progressively got worse too as I found myself in the car at the beach (not even sure how I got there) absolutely inconsolable and reaching out for help. Thankfully I was saved by three of those closest to me that night and they took me home and left me feeling supported on this journey, even if I was embarrassed by what had just happened. I do not think they know how grateful I am to have such amazing people in my life and I don’t think they know how much I appreciate them. They say family is important and they really do not understand just how important they all are to me during this journey. Hearing the three simple words “I’m always here” is so fulfilling for me. 

I have hidden this for so long, not knowing what people will say and think, but I have  pretty quickly discovered who is here to support me and who doesn’t understand that anything I’ve done that they didn’t like about me probably was because of my illness. Life is so up and down with this – one minute you’re falling apart, the next minute you’ve got this and see light at the end of the tunnel. Honestly it’s an experience I don’t wish upon anyone and to think back to past experiences and wonder was this the cause of my problems then too is not easy! I think maybe it was and I’ve been living with this longer than I knew. So please know I am me but sometimes not always the ‘normal me’. Also thank you to everyone for the feedback it’s so great to know I am not alone on this journey and we can all support each other 😊. 

With my recent ongoing battle with depression and anxiety and my passion for writing I thought it was time to put it out there and discuss my personal issues with the world to let everyone know that you are not alone if you are one of those suffering….. 

I am now four months into my journey and believe me not one part of this has been easy for me. Everyday I have learnt more about myself and the ones that continue to support and inspire me and those that simply don’t care. I have learnt how to live with a head full of voices that make it hard for me to sleep and that some days I just can’t face the world.

I chose to give up my job – which was the single utmost hardest thing I’ve done in my life, but so many people told me I needed to do what was right for me and that I simply need to get better! I know at the time this was the right thing to do and the only way to dig myself out of this hole I was falling into deeper and deeper.

The medication has been a constant struggle and to even get the dosage right for starters. 20mg, then 30mg and feeling better, back to 20mg and back to where I started, fighting a constant battle with my brain and being full of anxiety. Trying to start a new job and totally falling apart due to not being ready and my body not coping with the changes! Sometimes the world just feels like it’s crashing down around me and nothing will ever be right again.

Finally after a week of taking 40mg I’m starting to feel a bit better and a hang of a lot less anxious. Still a long way to go but getting back on top of my game and wanting to get back out in the world and be brave. Im ready to get back on the bike as they say and go for my walks and go swimming and even get back into my marching – all passions to help me relax and get some clarity – hopefully! Reading has also been something I’ve done to relax and refocus….. 

I’m not sure exactly how long I’ve been living with this but I know for sure that’s it’s good to finally know and understand and listen to my head and body and simply just take some time for me and to get back to being the real me!!!! 

Anyway if you’re reading this I hope you can take something from it, even if it’s understanding or just knowing that you’re not alone. I want to keep you posted with where I’m at and things I’ve done that have worked and not worked for me. 

#37andsingle #livingaconstantbattle #thingsareslowlylookingbrighter  #wanttosupportandinspireothers