Life is full of struggles

So after writing the poem I need to put into words these past few months. This seems to be a way I cope with stuff.

Well what can I say? Where do I actually start? I thought I’d been through the worst in my life, but I guess not! It’s been a very long and emotionally painful 6 months. I mean nothing actually truly prepares us for what’s to come as adults and especially when it’s kind of out of the blue…… I mean my Dad was 84 years old and some would say he had lived a full life and yes that’s true but I was NEVER expecting him to be gone within 3 months of when he started being a bit unwell.

We were celebrating Mum and Dad’s 60th wedding anniversary 🎂 🎉 when dad first showed signs of not being 100%, so it was labour weekend. He was still happy, healthy, laughing and joking with us.

After having a sore back, suspected chest infected and spending a couple of days in bed – which he seldom did in his whole life, I got a little concerned. I suggested we call the ambulance 🚑 . Thankfully that night in ED the very young dr was extremely thorough 🙏. He was admitted for a few days and sent home to us his beautiful home care nurses and he was doing ok. Next minute a phone call to take him back into hospital and a cancer diagnosis 😱🥲. Scary stuff but straight onto treatment.

Anyway long story short he’s in hospital 🏥 when we are to go to north island marching champs in Wellington. A SUPER HARD decision to leave Mum at home and Dad in hospital while we take our teams to compete. Am I letting down the family if I go but am I letting down the teams if I don’t? Hard hard decisions for me who has always been a huge family first always person 🥲. Anyway it worked out with a few sleepless nights and stressful moments and we get home and into the chemo routine weekly.

Things seem to be progressing ok and dr is happy but dad just not himself. We had a tough Christmas 🎄 knowing he wasn’t that good. Anyway it’s mid January and I’m so worried about him the ambulance 🚑 is called again. Who knew at that stage that Friday the 13th of January would be the last time dad stepped foot in our place 🏡 . Things spiralled downwards from that day and yes I have some lovely lasting memories of him right up until the very end but no one said it would be easy going forward and it’s definitely not.

I know I’ve grieved a lot and I know my mind 🤯has been in such a bad place but I honestly didn’t think I’d feel this bad. Nothing and I mean NOTHING prepares you for loosing a parent no matter how old or young they are or you for that matter. Since labour weekend my mind has never been in a good place. I’ve tried to be ok, I’ve tried to keep the peace and my inner peace and make people happy however I can. I’ve even tried to carry on but nothing is working!!!!! It’s truly a somewhat lonely and hurtful struggle I never wanted to face in this lifetime 💔. 

I love and miss my dad so so much and even though I want to carry on and make him proud it truly is a struggle and truthfully I have been since since he got sick. My brain does not cope with life decisions or everything I want to do. I can’t get the mind and body to cooperate at all. It’s hard and at times very dark but I know it will get easier one day 🙏. 

No one quite knows or understands how I feel at the moment. There’s so many things happening inside my head and with or to my body that I can’t control. So many questions ❓ I want answered and so many things I simply don’t understand. My heart is smashed into a million pieces 💔 and I’m not sure what’s around that next corner. Sometimes I struggle to breathe but remember him willing me along, telling me you will be ok, everything will work out! Just because I’ve been coasting along nicely for a bit is it expected I will be absolutely fine dealing with this? Cause mate I tell you that’s not the case!

Love you my Dad and I will always keep you tucked in my heart ❤️. I’m not sure how proud you’d be of me atm but I promise I will get back there soon 🤗🥰. I just wish others understood how hard it is for me to deal with this pain. Thanks to those that have stood by me and offered me your strength it doesn’t go unnoticed 🙏. Sometimes it comes from those you least expect. I just hope my brokenness makes me stronger and helps me blossom soon 🙏 and this helps others to understand how hard it is when your head isn’t straight and you’re emotionally drained.

I’m no poet but this is for you my dad ❤️🤗🥰. Love you forever and always xx 

 

Every-time I close my eyes I see you

When I finally fall asleep I dream about you

It’s like you’re still here letting me know everything will be ok

You come to my door to talk

But when I open my eyes there’s no one there

This makes me sad all over again

I never realised how big a hole you would leave

I’ve even got out of bed to come and talk to you before realising it’s too late

I miss you every minute of everyday

I need you and your words of wisdom

Rest easy my dear and know I will always love you with all my heart ❤️🥰

Hey all, long time no speak from me here on this blog. I thought I would touch base just to let you all know where things are at for me and how much of a roller coaster you can be on when diagnosed with anxiety and depression for a variety of reasons. For months, I was coasting along nicely, not always wonderfully, but doing ok…… Next minute I’m at the doctor to get my repeat prescription with a doctor I had never met before and he’s completely changing ALL my medication up, sending me for a million test (because I “must have diabetes with my size”) yes that’s what I was told with a laugh at the end. Many other sarcastic remarks were made and I was feeling pretty low when I left that room 7 months ago. I thought a doctor was there to help not hinder people. Anyway in the car and straight through for my tests, with the thought of crashing into a bridge in my brain while driving through the tears. Tests done and home.

Anyway fast forward a bit – my test were absolutely perfect – no diabetes, no heart issues, or kidney and liver. So sorry to disappoint you Doctor W🖕🏼, I obviously I’m healthier than you thought 😢. Straight away I started my switch to my new medication and at first I thought things were going ok. However on reflection since this change I’ve not had a good nights sleep once – yes that’s right in 7 months, I’ve had every muscle in my body ache almost constantly and I have to say leaving the house has been a struggle most days. Well to be honest getting up and dressed most days has been bloody hard too.

I have tried everything with my new medication from taking it in the morning to at night to see if anything makes a difference, but no! I’ve lived on Panadol and ibuprofen, even though I’ve tried to stick with my LeRêve natural products as much as I can too. Life has simply been one GREAT BIG STRUGGLE 😭. Even things I love ❤️, I simply have no passion for anymore. And don’t even get me started on my financial journey 🤦🏼‍♀️ or struggles – however you want to look at it 🤔.

My hole has just got deeper and deeper and the walls have closed in further and further around me. Those that know my smile, well it’s been quite lost 😞 and I’ve found it hard to just connect with what’s going on. I’m lucky I have the best support systems around me I truly am. For the past few month everything that I do not agree with has stressed me out beyond belief and I’m normally open to all points of view and will listen and think, but at the moment that’s not even possible!!!!!!

Anyway this week my ever compiling issues have just got on top of me. I’m at the point where I can’t take anymore of the way I feel and I don’t want to even go anywhere. I have simply been hiding behind my mask and now it’s time to unveil myself and get back on the right track. It’s time to focus on me, yes me myself and I and looking after me and what is important. I need to move forward and gain control over me again. Tomorrow morning I’m making an appointment with my new permanent 🤞🏼 doctor. Hopefully she’s good and will help me because I need to make these feelings happy ones again. It’s time to start my rehab for another round and  hopefully for the last time before all the festive times begin 🙏🥰❤️

Much love to all who constantly help and support me and my amazing family and friends whom I love with all my ❤️. I could not get through life without you all and some days I’ve honestly been hanging by a thread. Please allow me time to get on track and understand the struggle is real but I’m still me at the end of the day and always will be, even if I’m a little flat at times 🥰

Omg all this mental health stuff I’ve been reading with the Olympics is kind of making me very mad and sad. Criticism towards both Biles and Osaka, saying they only withdrew from their events when they did because they weren’t good enough. In Simone Biles case how can you not be good enough when you made the all around finals and as far as I’m aware all the individual apparatus finals too? Some people’s comments just make me feel very sick. One I read said she was knackered and needed a rest – those who really have mental health issues don’t feel like this…… WOW matey I’m sorry to say but I feel that way EVERY SINGLE DAY! It’s absolutely unbelievable, how do you know how someone else is feeling and what they are going through. I bet Biles feels huge embarrassment and disappointment in not being able to compete. I know I would, but I also know there are simply times I just can’t do it! Sometimes I need to just simply rest. Imagine being in the spotlight like this and not being able to just lock yourself away and hide (what I do many times a week when I’m simply not up to the day).

I have to say the thing I like the most about having my own business is working my own hours. If I get up and don’t feel on top of my game I can have a bit more of a sleep. Also I can do my work at night when I’m more awake and alert. Being an athlete at the top level you have to be on your game 24/7. I quite simply feel for her and Naomi Osaka. It takes strength to speak up and be open and honest about your mental health. There is still a bad stigma around it and some people certainly think you’re ‘faking it’. I can tell you nothing is fake about mental health!!!! I see these girls from the coaching side of sport too and I simply think and know from experience that it can happen with the click of the fingers. I’ve been on both sides of the coin as a competitor and a coach.

I’ve struggled my way through the past few weeks, just being thankful for my job and my marching. Aside from these things there’s not been much else going on for me. My mental focus and clarity has been weak, stamina low and I’ve not felt like a lot of outside interactions. It takes me a whole day to prepare for a work party, but I love doing them and meeting so many people to tell my story and share my journey with to hopefully help others. Yes I am successful but there are definitely days I don’t feel it and it takes lots of positive affirmations to get me functional so I can only imagine how these girls feel representing their countries and with the weight of the world on their shoulders while battling the demons in their heads.

The last 18 months or so has been hard in everyone, so think before you speak. Don’t dull other people’s light. Communicate how you’re feeling and talk to those who care for you. There’s nothing worse than feeling like you’re down and out or that someone is working against you. Remember people all have things going on (most of it we know absolutely nothing about). Be kind, be supportive and most of all unless you know how these people feel keep your comments to yourself.

To finish off, I just watched Simone Biles win a bronze on the beam and she did amazing. She wasn’t at her usual best, probably because her heads not been 100% in it, but I cried for her. She had the courage to get up and perform in front of the whole world just a few days after having to withdraw herself. I was so proud of her as I am everyone that does their best and overcomes adversity. That’s all from me for know. Sorry for my rant 🤗

Well it’s certainly been a long time between posts. In fact April in the middle of COVID lockdown was the last time I wrote on this blog. All for good reason – I’ve been well and I’ve been busy. I found things (coaching 2 marching teams, planning a north island champs and selling LeRêve) to occupy my mind. Yes there are still setbacks in my life, particularly with this being the strangest year we’ve ever experienced, and there are days where REST is much needed, but I get through with supportive loved ones and amazing friends 🤗. Sometimes the simplest things are the best medicine too – like star gazing on a beautiful night or watching a beautiful Christmas movie 🎄.

Anyway enough about me I am jumping on here in the early hours of Christmas Eve morning just to remind you to look after yourself and keep a check on those you love the most during this time of the year. Remember those that stay silent and just hover in the background. Ask them to do things with you and take them places to show them they’re loved. Think about those that are sometimes struggling silently and know that the smallest gestures can make the biggest impact on us.

For those of us that are silently struggling at times – Don’t feel like you’re alone. Do what you can, whenever you can, but still take time for you and have some well earned rest. If you can take some time out and get away – do it! We all deserve a break from our day to day pressures. Express yourself and make good clear decisions. If you’re not on top of your game tell someone!!!!! We are all important and special in this life and we all matter 🤗.

Look after one another. Be supportive and eat, drink and be merry. Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year – love to you all ❤️🥰😍🤗

Life throws us lots of curveballs – some you kind of expect and others come from the most random places. COVID-19 or Corona virus – how many of us actually thought in our lifetime we would experience this what is happening to us from every point all over the world? We are all essentially cut off from each other and locked away locally until we can see a light at the end of this tunnel. Strange as it is for most, some of us experience this feeling on a regular occurrence. So for those that are new here, hello and welcome to the world of anxiety and depression and to worse extents bipolar. When we spiral out of control we want to lock ourselves away, just like the world is currently and isolate until that light starts shining again.

So now imagine dealing with both things at once. Yep I know a few people that are really struggling through this ordeal! Lucky for me I’m in a pretty ok place at the moment, but sometimes it knocks me for a six and I just need to rest (luckily I can without having to explain myself right now). Some brains just won’t allow people to even leave their houses at all. I feel for anyone struggling at this time and want you to remember you’re not alone and never will be. There’s always someone to talk too and unlike the war times we have technology to support us through – thankfully 🙏

Take today for example and please don’t judge me for this. We needed groceries and Inglewood just hasn’t had what I’ve been needing, so I needed to go to New Plymouth to get stuff, but didn’t want to go on my own, so Leonie was with me. People staring at us like get your 2 metres apart! At the end of the day I honestly didn’t care, I was still within my bubble and we are both well. I might have had a chat across the road to my sister on the way home too. We were safely distanced and I needed to visually see and make sure all is well for my own piece of mind. I definitely know there are a few of you that will understand! Honestly though I would never put anyone in danger, especially my parents – I love too much with all my heart.

Anyway just remember you aren’t alone and we all have someone we can talk too in the hard times! Listen to those that need support and don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need, particularly if you’ve never needed help before. My inbox is always open and you should never feel alone. In the wise word of our Prime Minister – He waka eke noa – We are all in this together! Take care, stay safe and be kind everyone (you never know what someone is dealing with inside and out)  – much love xxx❤️🥰🙏✨

Do you ever feel like you’re just doing life to please others? Sometimes I do! If only I could make the decisions about how my day would run….. you might say maybe I can! Maybe I need to be a bit more assertive. I think since I got sick I’ve just tried to please everyone so they think I’m ok, but really I should be putting myself first more, in fact we all should be! It’s not about making sure we look after everyone else’s needs, although we all still care, but if your own tank is running on empty then you can’t do nothing for anyone else! So it’s important to remember to take care of number one no matter the situation. After all we cannot drink from an empty cup and I’m sure most of us have learnt this at some point in our lives.

For those of you who don’t know or are tuning in for the first time, my roller coaster ride continues. It’s like one of those coasters that one minute you’re laughing and enjoying every minute of everything you do and the next you’re upside down with your legs dangling above your head!!!! I mean I’m living the dream and doing almost everything in life the way I want to and then crash – It all comes tumbling down! A year of refocusing and changing my lifestyle, then back to doing what I love, until I crash and burn yet again. I let things get on top of me, I let people and situations stress me and push me to my limit! I take everything to heart and loose my focus, particularly between genuine and fake. I ride the wave of life, but then let things drag me under.

Why should the person making the silly remarks about me bother me? Do I care that I got deleted on social media? Why should others be able to dictate how I live my life? Do I really care what people say and think of me? One silly thing and I’m on the downward slope! Come on Melissa you know there’s light at the end of the tunnel, you’ve been there and know it’s possible!

A few weeks ago I decided it was time to change my thinking! The only way is up! Do me! Do what makes me happy! However life happens and you slip back down….. I wrote this blog a month ago but today it’s still as relevant as ever. Maybe this holiday is what I need! Hopefully it will help me to block out the negative and focus on the positive! There’s still lots of things that happen that I simply don’t get or understand, but I’m trying to be on top of life and find my people and my place to help me keep moving forward. So for now see ya later mate I’m off to enjoy the GC!

2019…..

Lots of highs and lots of lows! I proved to myself that I CAN DO IT and even though I’m currently resting and recovering I’m sure I now know my limits! My family and friends have yet again been beyond exceptional and encouraging every step of the way! There are certainly some parts of 2019 I couldn’t have done on my own and thankfully I’ve had the support.

I’ve worked as a reliever and loved every minute of it, I’ve met new people and rekindled some old friendships. I’ve been in the place at the time of our first terror attack and never thought in a million years I’d be in lockdown in New Zealand, but I know this has made me stronger and more appreciative of the life I have! I gained a new housemate – who I love to bits and wouldn’t cope without her sometimes. Even though we are still sorting things out – I love the fun we all have!

I went back into a full time role at work doing what I love, but things just got beyond me with so many changes happening. I know this has taught me heaps though and I’m excited for what 2020 holds for me on this front – lots of hopes and dreams that I can make reality with those I love the most.

On the marching front – well what can I say – our team is so cool to be involved with and we have so much fun! The girls improve every time we take them and it’s so exciting to see where their journey will head next! I’m also so appreciative of all the family I have with marching right across the country. You all support me so much more than you know. I live seeing you all and you know I’m passionate about the sport we all love and it always gives me a focus and a smile.

Netball saw me so much more involved this year – not only with our awesome and fun team, but doing the bench official role and being on the organising committee for events at the club, which gave me so much confidence and a variety of experiences. Thank you to all on the netball front for your constant laughs and encouragement. I love my involvement with the community in these things.

Finally you get nowhere in life without the love of family and friends. So I thank each and everyone of you for your constant support, messages and love. I have picked you to be my friends for a reason and that will never change. Dealing with anxiety and depression is not easy at all, but you guys allowing me to write my thoughts and feelings sure helps me and your comments give me so much hope and motivation.

I hope 2020 – the start of a new decade – can be the start of many new and exciting possibilities for us all! To all of you (my family and friends) – Happy New Year! Be safe and have lots of laughs! Much love  to you all and thank you xxx BRING ON 2020!

So tonight I thought was going to be an early night for me as I’m exhausted, but here I am wide awake yet again and I haven’t even been on my phone (it’s a god dam Christmas miracle)! Anyway I may as well put some of these things in my head on paper – so here goes!

Well it’s that time of year again. The time that I love the most, but also fear the most as I know it can be hard and I’m never too sure what I’m gonna be like! There is a lot of extra stress getting things organised, cleaning, shopping – all things I find hard some days, I mean hell some days I don’t even wanna get out of bed or have a shower (and those who know me well know I don’t function without one in the morning). There’s lots of sleepless nights with a million things going on in my brain! Yes I know I’ve eliminated some stresses from my life, but in my state of mind even doing washing can be a huge task/stress. Also Christmas Day can be overwhelming and over stimulating for my brain so I just have to try and relax a bit and take life one step, one minute, one day at a time. RELAX haha not a word I understand or grasp the concept of fully!

Anyway you all know I’m a bit of a people pleaser and will do anything to make others happy, so this past week I’ve been feeling like I need to help others but I have just not been too sure how?! I know there’s lots of things I do within the community that’s of a voluntary nature, but I just wanna do more. It’s kind of hard when I’m not particularly well off cause you can’t be like a Christmas fairy and give gifts/money to those less fortunate, even though I would love to do this….. So to help me feel good about myself I did one little thing the other day! It was windy on rubbish day and a whole lot of bins around town were blown over onto the road, so much to my sister and nieces embarrassment I had to stop and pick them up. They were like omg you’re crazy, but I said no I’m just a nice person that wants to do good. Honestly I know it’s a really small thing, but man I felt good afterwards. I also like to do little random acts of kindness when I can. So be aware cause you never know when something might pop up from me 😊. Anyway I’m not going to give away all my secrets in one hit! I have to keep a few of my trademarks to myself!!!

Finally since I have spare time on my hands and it’s the holiday season I look forward to some catch ups! If you’re in my neck of the woods, or have some spare time, remember I love to catch up! Dinner, drinks, chit chat and laughter – any or all of these things….. If you need someone to do the simple things for you – sober drive, collect mail, feed animals or look after children remember I’m very qualified to do all of these things 😃 and love doing it! So give me a sing out. Anyway I hope everyone has a fabulous Christmas with your loved ones and you all get very spoilt! Remember to take care of yourself and those around you and that you never know what is going on for someone on the inside, when they look perfectly happy on the outside! So be nice to one another, be patient, supportive and safe! Loads of Christmas wishes from me to all of you🎄🎅🎁❤️ MERRY CHRISTMAS xxx

Well what a few weeks it’s been. You think things are sailing along quite nicely, then boom – that panic attack knocked me well and truly and more than I thought possible! I’ve had to make some decisions again about me and my life. This time it hasn’t been hard as I know if I am not ok within myself then life is going to spiral! So I have resigned from my job, this takes a lot of pressure out of my brain. I am trying to focus on me and what makes me happy. I’m trying to find my happy place and do things I can do and want to do. I’m so lucky I have the most understanding and supportive people in my life – this includes my family and friends, my doctor (who has been absolutely amazing) and my counsellor. Everyone has allowed me to be ME and supported me to make the decisions I need to make. Getting myself right means medications need adjusting and that mucked my head and body a bit, but just one day at a time!

People think I hide things well, but behind closed doors things are not so peachy. Even the basic things in life like cleaning the house (which I absolutely hate being messy and untidy) is such a huge task for me, one that I can’t motivate myself to do! Those who know me well know I love Christmas and what can I say – presents aren’t overly sorted and tree/decorations are happening really really slowly. This all makes me really sad as I love this time of year and being with my loved ones! I’m currently lying on my bed wishing I had the energy to do stuff, but 🤷🏼‍♀️. My brain isn’t even functioning properly so how can I do things!

Then it’s that time of year when I need lots of love and support, but also don’t want attention or people worrying about me! Every little thing I take to heart – sometimes I just need someone to sit with me and say nothing, but let me know that everything will be ok! The marching girls are a great distraction and certainly help me keep my life in perspective. Then again there were some neat kids I worked with that did the same, but unfortunately too many negatives outweighed the positives and stress sent me into this spiral!

When will the feeling inside me ever feel right? Has it ever felt right? My heart needs to feel full, but every time I try to fill it someone/something always has to trample on my party and send me back to the beginning….. I think I know what I want and need and people say just go for it, but fear kicks in and I can’t deal with the rejection I might get if I try! Being rejected by people is a huge fear of mine. Whether people are not returning phone calls, messages or a smile – I feel rejection probably more than anyone else I know!

Anyway for now I’m going to focus on me and make sure I’m looking after myself. I’m going to try to rest and relax for a few weeks and get back on track with life! Please don’t shut me out I need you all more than ever with the silly season upon us! Loads of love to you all and happy holidays🎄 🎅