Writing these over the past few months has helped me to a few huge realisations…. one in a way I did this to myself, two I need to move forward and stop looking backwards, three only those I truly care about are still with me as I’ve pushed some away and just seen the true colours of others and four most of the time I truly hate who I am and have become. So I’ve been trying to make a lot of changes!!!! Changing my mindset, thinking more about when and where I say things, changing my diet and getting back on the exercising bandwagon to feel better and hopefully 🤞 look better…..
I know to the person next door I probably still look the same on the outside and more normal than some, but on the inside most days it’s still just a total disaster! My memory is still shocking at times and anyone that knows me well, understands I’ve always had a sharp memory – so this is hard and frustrating! The things that happen inside my head are not cool!!! But then again sometimes I say these things out loud and totally regret them 😩. Some can’t even look at me because of this reason 😭. Why oh why am I so stupid and dumb???? Why do I have to say things that half the time I don’t even mean? In order to move forward I wonder if I need a total change!
I just want to be normal again, but I am thankful that I can get out of bed pretty much everyday now and do things. It’s doesn’t matter how big or small, just getting up, showering and dressing always makes me feel like I’ve achieved something! Some days are still hard to show my face to the real world or even those I love the most but I try harder and harder everyday and because of this I know I have more good days than bad! Although in saying that a bad day can turn good if I’m in the right company! Please know though that most days are a struggle even if I seem on top of my game – I understand how mentally and physically challenging everyday can be, regardless of whether you think I look good or seem good! Trust me most days I’m not on top of it!
I’ve been thinking a lot about my grandparents this week…. Sometimes I wish I could talk to my Nan again! She always had great advice and always listened. She lived with Mum, Dad and I for about 10 years so we certainly had a special relationship. Sometimes when I think of her passing I regret the fact I never got to see her that one last time to say a proper goodbye and still to this day I don’t think I did enough grieving at the time. It truly breaks my heart still 💔. You see I’ve always tried to be the strong one and trust me it’s not good! Keeping all the emotions bottled up inside has wreaked me! I’m the one that wants to be there for everyone else. Even when Dannielle had her brain injury I tried to be the strong one, but look what it’s done to me! I hated seeing her the way she was, it was a nightmare for us all and a time I’ll never forget, but so grateful she is still with us and we got to go travelling to some amazing places together. From all this though I know I need to learn to open up at the time and I strongly advise this to everyone out there! Don’t keep those feeling bottled up inside – it’s ok to cry! (I guess it’s ok that I just cried the whole time while writing this too😭).
When I think back to some of the grieving I haven’t done it’s possibly a huge contributor to why I’ve got sick. My Uncle that I had a lot to do with he passed away when I was like 8 and my grandad (who taught me a lot about life and cards lol) passed away when I was 11! Didn’t cry much but remember going through rough times after these events. However I know they are all looking down on me and are with me every step of the way. It was funny cause I had just written this and then had my access bars run the next day. Susan told me sometimes we hang on to things and certain things trigger these memories again. It’s so true, but I know I just need to pin point who it belongs too…. If it’s a young me I can let it go! I guess I’ve got a lot of learning to do and a lot of re-training of my brain to do! It’s also ok to talk to those no longer with us and we shouldn’t feel silly doing this….. I often talk to my grandad through his special ring I wear everyday. I’m sure he’s with me when this is on my finger and helps me at times.
Please don’t be freaked out by what I’ve written, I’m not going completely insane, just learning to cleanse my mind, body and soul and release the demons my head have been struggling with! I guess one day soon I’ll get my break and happiness will fill me again, but until then tell your loved ones you love them, cuddle them, be there for them in times of need and don’t leave those in need feeling insecure or alone. I’m very saddened by journalist Greg Boyed’s death and just want everyone to be there for each other! Don’t hold grudges, smile and have fun when you can – much love to you all xxx😘